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I am feel REALLY motivated today! Not 100% sure why...there is just so much that I want to do for the month of April! I am going to focus on upping my cardio to an hour a day (in addition to my normal work out), I am also going to be focusing on learning Japanese. I've been listening to Japanese conversation almost everyday and I am actually able to understand a lot more of it then I thought I would!

And of course my dancing, as if I could ever forget that! :-) I don't know, but I just have a super positive feeling about everything right now! I love feeling this way, it's just the best because I feel like I can do anything. :-)

Do you ever wonder...

what it would be like to do something that you really love and are really passionate about? Something that when you wake up you can't wait to do your work? You are so enthralled with it you can only think of what more you can do to make your job better, to make those in the same role better, how to work best with your counterparts? Even when you leave all you can think of is all the wonderful things you need to do for the next day, or maybe you are such a workaholic that when you get home you want to continue working?

Yeah. I wonder that too.

Instead, my passion in life is more spread out. And none of my recreations make me money...but they sure do cost it! With the insane amount of things I enjoy doing I do wonder what I could classify as my love?

I really enjoy dancing...I find it fascinating how the body moves...how the rhythmic beats of music make me respond with emotion (that I like to deny I have)...this particular activity makes me feel things that I am not always comfortable feeling. Emotions wise, if it isn't joy, I like to keep the rest of my emotions under wraps if possible. I don't like feeling bad or negative, to the extreme of avoidance.

I love learning of new languages and new cultures. I love interacting with people from different places and learning about how they were raised, how they view things, why they view things the way they do. I like to analyze behaviors with thoughts of possibly incorporating them into myself if I find it agreeable.

I love writing...I started writing poetry and short stories when I was 8. It has always been outlet to express myself in a way that was not allowed or accepted in my household. I love my parents dearly...but emotions that are not favorable are not to be shared. Writing gave me the release I needed of pent up feelings I had to hide and deal with myself. I've never been comfortable sharing myself with others. Perhaps it is from how I grew up...in a house that was restrictive, harsh punishments, inability to really form your own original thoughts, lack of normal friendships and relationships because I moved so much...or maybe that's just who I am. Who knows? It's hard to say. Don't get me wrong...everyone has their issues from growing up. I wonder though, do they also question how wrong it was? Do they work hard to be different from how they turned out? Do they recognize their faults and work to restructure those parts of themselves? Or...do they simply accept who they are with the nonchalant phrase, "that's just who I am." Is it? If you find fault in yourself, should you put such little value on your ability and strength to change yourself and you merely accept that it is "just who you are"?

I did not have affectionate parents, does that mean I don't want to be affectionate? Not at all...in a very shy, timid sort of way I crave it...I am so sensitive...which is odd, I work so hard to build this shell around myself, while presenting that there is no shell...as I have gotten older I am getting so tired of keeping the shell up...but I fear letting it fall, or even weaken. It just makes me more tired having to work so hard.

Ha...this started with passions didn't it? I am passionate...but about too much. I am also such a fickle being, my passions flow like the wind during a tornado.

And yet...I still wonder...what would it be like to really be passionate about one thing in my life?

The past two months...

It's been awhile since I've posted...my life has been an interesting rush of events...in October I learned that my aunt had an inoperable brain tumor and would most likely not live to the end of the year. I realized around that time how much I couldn't stand my job...my weight loss came to a halt as I lost motivation to continue...my progression on my dancing had slowed...

It's been about two months since then...my aunt passed away last week...I have a new job...I have become motivated again and have lost 5lbs...and...my dance progression is still, not entirely stagnant, but slow.

All in all, I can't complain. My perspective on what I'm doing with myself has changed (as it does every few months :-p). I will be visiting my aunt's grave when I return to Seattle later this month to pay my respects as well as my grandmothers...though I've taken a new job, I'm not sure if it was the best choice. I do know that I can't work at my current place any longer. I was doing nothing, my professional growth here is stale and putrid. I came to realize that it is so important to work with competent individuals...you really can't do everything yourself. A bit of a pain, unfortunate as well...however, it's the only way to assure that a global product is successful.

Let's be honest here...it isn't possible for 100% of the people in the company to be competent, however there has to be a balance. I'm crossing my fingers that the next company will be more promising. The one thing that makes me smile about going to the new place is my title is going from Associate Product Manager to Senior Product Manager...impressive right? Within in 5 months ;-) I will be making the same base salary, though I have the potential of substantial yearly bonus as well as much better financial benefits, namely 401K.

I also bought a new car, a Jetta Volkswagen TDI; manual of course. :-) I'm quite excited about having a manual again!

I am feeling motivated again towards working out and eating well again, so my workout schedule is starting to get back on track. I've also been having many internal discussions with myself. I'm curious if it is normal to talk to yourself so much? I'm not speaking out loudly as that would be perceived as odd...but I do speak to myself a lot...and no...not two sided conversations as I'm pretty sure that would be considered crazy. I've been trying to give myself courage, self confidence, essentially a lot of pep talking. I'm feeling a bit uptight which is not like me at all. I'm really grateful for the upcoming break so that I can spend some time for self reflection. It's odd...I have so many philosophical things to write and for some reason they fly out of my mind once I begin typing...ahh well...another time when my emotions aren't so sporadic.

Oblivious joy

I'm not sure why, but more recently I've been obliviously happy...this feeling strikes me the deepest whilst dancing...not just WCS...but also ballet, blues, balboa, contemporary...I'm in my own little world. This world is warm, kind, peaceful, and transparent. When I'm in the deeper state of oblivion nothing else matters just that moment in time. I feel free...I'm me...even as I write this I feel overwhelmingly calm and serene. To be honest, I'm in awe...never in my life have I felt this way. Though appreciative, my OCD of needing to understand everything brings along a strange, yet calm layer of confusion. Why now? What is this? How did it come to be? It's funny I can be such an obnoxious philosopher. Part of me scoffs and wonders why I can't just accept the joy. The other part of me knowingly understands my ridiculous personality. Trust me...I annoy myself sometimes.

Growing up, I would lose myself in fantasy, my daydreams seeking...desperately for a release...a release from the parental restrictions...the family drama the inability to express myself. In my fantasies, I was empowered...I was able to speak my mind, I was free to be myself. I am only now really beginning to appreciate the freedom of being who I want to be...who I choose to be. No more am I tied to expectations of what I "should" be...and when I dance...what better way to express who I am through my movement? Feeling this freedom is a high...I just want it more...more ways to express yourself...more ways to get closer to who I truly am...more ways to learn...and the scariest part? A strong desire to share myself with others. Let the barrier I erected long ago fall away...

I love shopping...

I know...I just can't stop talking about the weight loss...but I REALLY love shopping now! My new pants are starting to get loose already so I went and tried on one size down...and...it is a bit tight around the waist, but I can't believe I got it over my legs and butt! :-D I am predicting one more size down by either end of this month or in the middle of October :-D And all the tops I tried on are down one size AND...they actually fit well...it isn't just kind of fitting and sort of snug here or there...they actually fit!

Today is the first time I left a clothing store and I was really happy! Nothing I tried on didn't fit :-) I also spent some time today revising my food plan...between my workout and food plan this week is going to be quite busy! Speaking of which...I need to get up in about 6 hours so I can work out before work :-D

School starts now...

Well...dancing school :-) On Tuesday's I have ballet, Wednesday I have Contemporary dance, Thursday I have ballet...and Friday and Saturday, who knows? :-)

Yoga will be on Sunday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday's...Tracy Anderson will be Sunday, Friday and Saturday...there really needs to be more hours in a day...

Today was a bit insane though...I'm wondering how long I'll be able to keep this pace up? I feel like all I was doing today was working out...after I did cardio and weights I came home, ate dinner, then went to ballet.

Ballet was...rather intense...I'm definitely going to make time to practice in between class because I need to work more on control and toe points! I also felt insanely wired after class!

Eep...I didn't realize the time...I need to get to sleep!

Monthly Measurements

So this morning I did my end of the month measurements and I'm happy to say -7 inches :-D

Hip Size: -1.5"
Waist: -2"
Chest: -2.5"
Thigh: -.5"
Calf: -0"
Bicep: -0"
Neck: -0.5"

I definitely need to reassess my workouts. I'm lacking on building up leg and arm muscle...all in all, this has been a great end of month measurement :-)

My goal is to lose ~40 pounds by end of the year...so...10lbs per month? Totally doable...I'm just going to need to focus on my food and exercise.

Weird places in life...

I realized this morning that I am in such an odd place in my life. I'm feeling overwhelming selfish. I believe that everyone needs to be selfish to an extent, so that they may best take care of themselves, to translate into the ability to take care of others...however, today after I got off the scale I thought to myself, "This is the most important thing to me."...I want to be healthy, I want to take care of myself. I want to have energy, I want to feel physically beautiful. No matter how much I hide from others, I cannot hide from myself...I fool myself with overtures of confidence...but really I don't feel particularly attractive...and not feeling particularly happy about yourself really effects your interactions with others, and honestly, I don't feel as though I'm in an overly positive place in my life.

I also realized that I've lost 36.4 pounds since March...it could have been more, if I hadn't been losing and gaining the same 5-10 pounds every few weeks... :-) however, I am quite pleased with myself. I bought this dress a few weeks ago and estimated I'd have to lose about 10 pounds to wear it comfortably...I tried it today...it is a bit snug around the bust, but it fits everywhere else and I almost started crying.

I've also been trying to find a way to connect with myself. I believe if I can really become connected with who I am then I will be able to more easily connect with others. I've come to realize that my connection with people are fairly shallow, or very one sided. For most of my life I've been very ok with this type of connection as it has suited my lifestyle and stage in life...now...I really want a deeper connection with others. I realized that in order to obtain the connection that I am seeking I will need to be more connected to who I am as well as be willing to accept who I am.

Like I said...I'm in a weird place in my life.

Book Club

So...I got to thinking tonight...much like everything in my life, I am reading way too many books and not finishing any of them! Because of my ADD-like personality I have such a history of starting multiple things then not finishing...video games is another prime example...I have got to be playing about 3-4 games right now...haven't touched them in weeks because I've been so distracted with other things, such as dancing :-p Dancing is the one thing that I do not get distracted from :-) Looking at my silly list of books:

The Last Watch
The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious
Desire me Only
Bliss River
Social Intelligence
Between You and I

I realized that I am halfway through almost all of them...I will however, need to start over as I don't recall anything I've read! I suppose I'll finish "The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious" first...it was getting really good! I was starting to put together the individualization process between the five main archetypes of the Self, the Shadow, the Anima/Animus, the Ego, and the Persona.

Finishing that book of course means I will be highly distracted for at least a week as I try to fully understand each archetype and how to get to the "Self". :-) It should be a fantastic week...lol...I suppose this also means I'll be a little bit more deep in thought then I normally am, but I'm really looking forward to finishing it. I have a feeling I will be purchasing more Carl Jung books as that particular book is Volume 9, Part 1...I believe the next logical step will be to get "Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self".

Through Archetypes, I am hoping to gain a better understanding to the human psyche so I will be able to better analyze those around me. I will definitely have some interesting (well interesting to me anyway) things to report on once I have completed the book.

Fear and uncertainty moves you...

No matter how fearless a person is, or may believe he is fear is one of the strongest feelings (to me) that impacts how I live my life. I am not skittish in anyway...but think about it, think of how you live your life, why you make some of the decisions that you do.

:-) Sometimes when I write of topics like this, I'm never sure how far I should go...should I be extreme? Should I keep it simple? My mind really ranges on these thoughts...my main bullet point with fear and uncertainty was really based upon why I can't show my personality when I dance. I wonder...if I'm not capable of sharing who I truly am with others socially, how am I going to do it dancing? Perhaps the depths of who I am does not need to be so transparent when I dance? I'm not sure if I would be satisfied of shallowly displaying who I am in dance as I do socially though...I never realized this about myself until now...things that I am passionate about I want to give it my all and really share my love and joy. lol...now I'm wondering what are the other things in my life that I am truly passionate about?

The correlation from dancing being my passion and wanting to really share myself...and my social interactions with others is not as important to me...ironic that I am less passionate about that. When I dance, though I am having a great time and I'm really happy, sometimes my inner feelings are rampant...I want to do something...I want to express something...I want to share something...but I hesitate then my moment passes. I am afraid to do it. I'm not sure if I can do it...am I capable? Will it be ok? Will it be accepted? What will people think? More importantly...what will my partner think? Will it screw him up? And after all of those questions have flipped through my head, I decide..."I won't do it...it's safer this way" When I'm by myself...I have such a great time dancing to the music...and I desparately want to when I'm holding his hand...but fear and uncertainty hold me back.

...I'm inspired to write a poem.