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Love changes everything...

Now, let's see if I can do justice to the subject, shall we?

First off...to reiterate what I started a few nights ago, Love changes everything doesn't it? Lots going on in my mind...I've been thinking about so much and so little all at the same time...

I've been having many little, but important self-realizations everyday.

I had the weirdest dream Friday morning...(and I say Friday morning because I didn't fall asleep until 3:00AM). Every since Sunday night I've been having a very difficult time sleeping and my sleep has been very restless. I've been waking up every couple of hours, feeling, not just cranky, but also bothered and disturbed. Today I woke up way late...and as soon as I opened my eyes my body kept trying to pull me back into sleep because I was dreaming of something so odd. There were people there...lots of them, but for some reason only a few really stood out to me. Someone was holding my hand...I couldn't see his face...I couldn't really see him. However, the dream disturbed me nonetheless...there was something just seriously wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it.

A little off topic I know...but relevant all the same.

I was told a few days ago that I am apparently not a deep thinker. That really hurt my feelings, because I thought I was. I am not a deep thinker in the scientific sense, but I always believed that I was a deep thinker in the more philosophical and emotional sense. Hearing someone tell me that...particularly him...hurt me so badly. It's sort of like if you thought you were so smart...and then someone you care about or someone who means something to you comes to you and tells you that you are stupid. It's like having what and who you thought you were being stripped away. I sat there and thought, "Don't you fucking read my journal?" I know that at times my entries are filled with fluff, but on a grander scale of things I have written many interesting entries that were either well written or well analyzed in some way. I had always felt like I was an:
  • intelligent
  • witty
  • interesting
  • thought-provoking
  • beautiful
  • philosophical
  • flirtatious
  • spontaneous
  • kind
  • determined
  • ambitious
  • strong-willed

person *whew* And in a few months...I've felt that I am no longer capable of being interesting, a deep-thinker, and maybe I am not as intelligent as I thought I was. However, in the past month another man came into my life and made me feel so incredibly special. He sent me IM's to my house so that I would have something to look at and smile about when I came home. He told me that...*sad* He told me that he couldn't wait until I told him that I love him, that he couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends...he told me that no other girl in his life could possibly compete with me in the arena of dating. He also saw more in me than other people ever have. That to me was so incredible because I usually only let people see what I want to show, and he saw right through me and looked beyond that.

For a month I was so happy and felt like I was a special person...or at least special to someone. How I've longed for that...*sigh* I need to snap out of it...I need to remember all the things I felt that I was...but you know what? I want someone to feel that I am all those things and more. I need someone to believe in me and see me more from what I may portray to the public. There are so many different levels to me...and I've only really met one man who has been interested to find and understand those levels...

He understood that I want to be a lover, a best friend, a slut (in the bedroom only please), and a confidante to the one I am with. He also understood that I need and want the same in return...I want to be able to share my thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, myself, my complete self, not just the one that I share bits and pieces of the public with. I also want someone who can give me the same in return, with the same passion and fervour.

I was talking to my friend ronalum and he told me he couldn't believe how much dedication and loyalty I give to men who sorely do not deserve it. What do I say to that? At the time I always felt that they did deserve it and I did my best...and I bent over backwards to accomdate them, their needs...but I want someone to feel the same for me. Perhaps I am losing hope...

I feel rather burdensome, perhaps the time has come...

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Nov. 23rd, 2003 12:08 am (UTC)
Be strong on your own. I know you can, you do it all the time. But I wonder if what I've seen on the out side of you is a facade, and your really fragile on the inside. You don't need a man to complete your life and you don't always have to run out to fill that void. In the time that I've known you, you have always been involved with a man. You’re a strong person, granted who loves attention, but still needs to figure out in life what she really wants. I know that you think you have figured it all out. I'm not talking about those ideals we all have, but to take the time and enjoy your self, as an individual. Listen to ron, he's always been there for you. He wise in his ways but he does not know you the way I did. We don't talk now, but I still care about you, and check in on you in my own little way. The last we talked, I said some thinks that were not true, you got mad and we ended up hurting each other. I want you to know that I forgive you, and I ask for your forgiveness as well. It's not good to stay mad with anyone, for as long as we have. You still may not like me, or even care to write, but at one point we too shared something special. You’ve said that an x is meaningless to you because you now that nothing worked out there, but they probably know you the best. I want to be your friend. That may mean nothing to you, or you may simply not care. But if you believe that people impact your life then I would like to right some wrongs, and be the caring person I want to be to you, a friend. A friend is someone who helps when times are hard. I feel that you’re having a hard time. I want to help you, because I still care. Feel free to call me, if you remember my number. I’m sending my heart your way, use it to fill any void you may have. Remember, don’t wear your heart no your sleeve, and then take your shit off. Love egg.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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