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You'll think of me

Funny thing about ex's and me...they always seem to come back. I don't know why and I don't know what they want from me...yet they filter back. Kalen was the latest to return, he left his number at my parents' store asking my dad to give me his number. *shake head* I don't know why and I don't see why I would matter to them anymore. I get a weird sense of pleasure knowing that these men think of me. They can take their memories I don't need them, they took their space and their reasons, but they think of me.

My one thing I wonder...do they return because they know I will be in town and they see me as a good lay, so why not? I may be a very sexual person and love sex more than anything, but even if I wasn't dating drchase I never would fuck them again. I hate to think that is all I meant to them...however, it is difficult to think otherwise...they certainly never treated me well...the relationship certainly never ended well. Perhaps a better way to phrase that is they were not great boyfriends...they weren't horrible, but do I deserve "they weren't horrible"? or do I deserve that they were spectacular and treated me like a princess? I feel that I deserve the latter...

They objectify the relationship and me...and expect me to forgive them? Sorry folks...I am not that big of a person. I never will be...how can one claim to love and care for someone and then tell them, "You were just a good fuck" and expect me to forgive them or take them back in any way, friend or more? It's rather laughable...it's a raw laugh...but a laugh nonetheless...

Unfortunately...I don't forget...I don't forget when they were good to me, but I have to ask myself...did the good truly outweigh the bad? The answer has always been the same minus one and that is no.

Most of my relationships...they ended with not just burning the bridges...but torching them...and I mean torching...dousing with oil...and torching.

It seems...the only blessing I have left...is not knowing what we could have been, or what we should have been. I had one tell me that the only reason he was with me for so long was because of the fucking...why do they come back, there are other women, or are they that desperate? What do they want from me? Have they not done enough damage to me? Have I not allowed them to be as close as I never let others get to me, to only hurt me? The thing they never realize? I have nothing more to give them. They took what I had...they tarnished it, to be fair? We tarnished it...I have nothing more from them that I would need or want. When a relationship ends for me...it’s over, it ends. I gave one person one more chance...that was a huge mistake. I should have followed my usual mantra... "The relationship didn't work for some reason, so walk away" It was hard for me to walk away from some relationships...but I am over them.

Sometimes I feel so worn down...all the horrible relationships...all the bad experiences...all the time I've had to take to mend my heart. Wondering, what will it be like next time? Will I be hurt again? Every time...it gets harder to let someone close to me...to really know me. The one person who I feel closest to is caballero, he's always been my friend, he's always been there to listen to me and hold me when I needed him. I would have to say that out of all my friends, he knows me the best. He has seen me go through all my relationships (in the past 4 years), my heart aches, my neurotic behaviour with some of them. He has always reminded me of who I am...and with that I was able to rebuild my heart and be the person I know I am. It is truly amazing how one can person can make you doubt who you truly are...those are the times I have to think to myself and realize that the relationship is unhealthy. Never should I feel stupid, or worthless...or that I'm not good enough...

All the baggage that seemed to still exist...it's over...it's done...take your freedom...take your memories...I don't need them. Take your space...and take your reasons, but you'll think of me. I've moved on...

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
eyemadreamer
Dec. 24th, 2003 10:05 pm (UTC)
Been there, done that.

I know the pain, I know the feeling, I know the questions. I truly do. But all I can say here is what I've learned from my mistakes and what I'm doing now about them. Maybe you were looking for love in the wrong men. Maybe you should raise your standards. What these men think now or why they may be looking for you now doesn't matter, they are in the past. You should forgive them so you can move ahead. When you forgive people, you feel a sense of peace inside of you. I'm not saying forgiving them makes it ok for what they did to you. Its just a closure to the past and to them. Don't waste your pain, use it. Change your standards, change who you look for love in, it makes all the difference in the world. I'm surrounded with men who will open doors for me and treat me like a lady, will they say "you were just a good fuck" i surely don't think so. =) Life's a huge journey, don't hold grudges but learn from them and change what you need to change. I'm here for you, hon =) Hugs!

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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