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Naïvety, a blessing or a curse?

Is being naïve a blessing or a curse? I suppose this might be a strange question coming from one of my age...but I can't help but wonder...and again, it may have more to do with my own inability to not criticize myself...I have always wondered how much control does on person have on their personality? Some may argue, "well, we are all different..." of course, I am not expecting it to be a cooker cutter answer. Though I wonder, do people have the ability to completely control who they are, how they react, and who they want to be? I have always felt that I could...that I had enough control of myself to not let emotions get the best of my logic. I have always been proud that I am such a logical individual that I don't overreact like some people do on most anything, this of course ties in to my ability to detach myself from people and events. Of course, there was a time when I wasn't always such...I can still remember being so happy, so carefree and trusting of everyone. I still am to some extent, definitely not like I was though.

Is this good or bad? Is it part of growing up? If it is...why? I wish I could still be carefree...happy...and somewhat in ignorance of how people can really be. Part of the reason I was "innocent" for so long was because I refused to be aware of current events, and refused to watch the news or see anything that was not pleasant. I knew it was all a part of life...but I desperately wanted to hold onto some semblance of innocence and youth. I always thought that was the best part of being young, being unaware of dangers, unaware of emotional pain, and being unaware of broken hearts...being unaware of how people have the capacity to use one another at any means...how even yourself for all your knowledge can be a pawn. Who wants to be used? Then I suppose a question arises of who isn't used and who isn't being used in some capacity? From a dark point aren't we all just resources? :-) I won't go down that road, then I think I will truly have lost touch with my optimism.

I used to be more optimistic than anyone I know...even now I tell myself that I am simply being pragmatic...I even joked with a friend once that I am an optimist-realist. Not everything is in black and white after all. Though...I think all in all...I'm just a liar. :-) I don't think it is a horrible thing, but sometimes I question if how I feel is really true or real, or is it just a fabrication of how I think I should feel...I suppose the fact that I even question it says something. It's been awhile since I've ever been truly...just completely and unconditionally...genuinely...wholesomely happy. The other times I smirk to myself and question the honesty of how I reacted. And ironically...it isn't as though I am unhappy either, it is more of feeling nothing...not feeling one way or the other. It pains me to admit to myself that I have lost a great deal of innocence I once had, but who knows...maybe I lied to myself on the innocence I once held.

I think...if the whole world could be naïve it is most definitely a blessing...but for the world we live in...it is best to outgrow it at the appropriate stage of your life...and of course the defining of appropriateness will be dictated based upon your life experiences - I know...duh.

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You know...I'm glad I've been writing so much, the typing is more flowing from me now versus before where I would sit here for long periods of time trying to stop my mind from wandering back to work related processes. I hope to write almost everyday to practice. I have found my writing in the past few days to be very relaxing and I am "happy" (who knows if I really am) that writing is coming easier to me and my thoughts are not so blocked. I think when I don't write as much I have a harder time expressing my true thoughts and feelings...it is not easy to see things in writing especially if they are not things you don't truly wish to know of yourself. Thinking is one thing, but to read it...that's a lot more powerful.

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