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The Perfectionist

This is an entry simply meant to inform and help me work through issues that I am having.

Many who know me and understand my quirks and habits have recognized that I am very much an "A-Type" personality. I am an impatient individual, I demand a great deal out of myself and yes, I expect myself to do things perfectly. I particularly feel that way of things that I am truly passionate about. This means that when I work, when I write, when I dance I expect a level and air of confidence and competence from myself. When I lack those things I can't help but feel frustrated with myself. The reason I mention this is because one of the horrible faults (or perks) that I have had is my intuitiveness of situations. No matter what I have ever done in my life, if I truly cared those things came easily to me, whether it is studying, learning a language, anything scholastic...it has come easily. I have always done this very quickly and with ease. The downside to that is my learning curve is abnormally high. I have also always been highly sensitive of myself and others around me. So with dancing this is great because I can always feel what I am doing wrong...scratch that...when I first started I did not have a clue what to feel for. Through the months of me learning, dancing with many different people, and taking privates I have began to understand the techniques of the dance and more importantly I have figured out where I want to be and how I want to dance. Through these learnings and my sensitivity for others, I have begun to understand how different people feel and how they connect to me. I also realize when my connection is changing as well as when others connections change.

Anyhow, onto the actual reason for my posting (yes, I was going somewhere with the prior information) I hate my dance. I really do. I hate how I dance. I hate how I feel when I dance. Ok, perhaps "hate" is a very strong word...however; it comes back to my awareness of myself. It all goes back to what I know now and how I know I should be moving and feeling...and how I should be connecting with the person that I dance with. I love dancing...I love West Coast Swing...I love watching it, my heart races and is filled with joy when I watch an amazing dance and connection between two individuals. I feel happiness and jubilation for those two individuals because I can tell by the way they move and the way they look at one another that they are having a wonderful time. However, when I dance I feel overwhelmed with all my faults and I feel a certain level of misery because I can't help but feel I am just not good enough to be dancing with the person that I am dancing with. And this goes back to my need to be perfect...to feel perfect. I know...logically it just isn't possible at this point it time. It will take me years and years until I feel slightly good about my dance...however...one of the things that teachers and dancers alike talk about is the ups and downs of dancing. You go up while you are improving; you plateau for a bit when you find your ground, then you go down again when you realize the things you need to work on. That is a normal situation and scenario...my problem is my learning curve. As I said, it is abnormally high; I have been dancing for almost 8 months I have yet to reach the plateau...and to be honest I don't even feel like I'm going uphill in the least, I just feel like I've been going downhill. There is yet to be a point in my dancing where I feel, "oh, ok I get it. I feel like I'm getting better." I tell some people this and they tell me, "oh you are such a great dancer"...I laugh and tell them, "I'm really not." And I never think I am and I have yet to feel that I am good or am understanding something yet.

On a positive note because my learning curve is so high I have a much bigger picture of the things that I need to work on and I have also started working on a plan so I can start getting to the point where I feel like I'm going uphill and improving my dance! To be honest, I'm actually pretty excited and am looking forward to the challenge. All I can really do is try my best to not feel overwhelmed by what I know and try to break things down and compartmentalize everything a bit more so I can take things one step at a time.

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