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Weird places in life...

I realized this morning that I am in such an odd place in my life. I'm feeling overwhelming selfish. I believe that everyone needs to be selfish to an extent, so that they may best take care of themselves, to translate into the ability to take care of others...however, today after I got off the scale I thought to myself, "This is the most important thing to me."...I want to be healthy, I want to take care of myself. I want to have energy, I want to feel physically beautiful. No matter how much I hide from others, I cannot hide from myself...I fool myself with overtures of confidence...but really I don't feel particularly attractive...and not feeling particularly happy about yourself really effects your interactions with others, and honestly, I don't feel as though I'm in an overly positive place in my life.

I also realized that I've lost 36.4 pounds since March...it could have been more, if I hadn't been losing and gaining the same 5-10 pounds every few weeks... :-) however, I am quite pleased with myself. I bought this dress a few weeks ago and estimated I'd have to lose about 10 pounds to wear it comfortably...I tried it today...it is a bit snug around the bust, but it fits everywhere else and I almost started crying.

I've also been trying to find a way to connect with myself. I believe if I can really become connected with who I am then I will be able to more easily connect with others. I've come to realize that my connection with people are fairly shallow, or very one sided. For most of my life I've been very ok with this type of connection as it has suited my lifestyle and stage in life...now...I really want a deeper connection with others. I realized that in order to obtain the connection that I am seeking I will need to be more connected to who I am as well as be willing to accept who I am.

Like I said...I'm in a weird place in my life.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
murg
Aug. 31st, 2010 04:09 am (UTC)
Finding yourself and what makes you happy and confident can be pretty tough at times! I think it's probably harder for girls too, people put weird expectations on women and market things at them constantly, knowing they are emotional and easily led to feel bad about themselves... Look at ads on TV for just about anything. They basically say things like "You're no a responsible mother if you aren't using this on your kid" and "We aaaaall KNOW that using this is whats right for you!"... basically propaganda like in Animal Farm, but without most people picking it. Eventually, it gives you the impression that somehow you're inadequate when you're actually a smart and interesting person with plenty to offer :)

It's hard to have a deep connection with people if you don't think you're worth deeply connecting with I guess, but you are definitely worth it and you'll work it out. :) It has nothing to do with your weight loss, it has nothing to do with your bra size or your looks.... People who have a true deep connection with you are not going to care about any of that, if they do, they're probably not the kind of people you want around you anyway.

Also... *HUGGGGGG* Maybe it's time to find what makes you feel bad and work towards removing it from your life, finding the stuff that makes your toes wiggle with joy and start doing or seeing it every day a little bit! :D
natalie516
Sep. 2nd, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
:-D Thank you so much for your kind words! I am definitely looking to do things that make me happy!
murg
Sep. 2nd, 2010 05:58 am (UTC)
Good girl!! When I have had too much, I put on my pyjamas and go outside and lay in the sun, and I do coloring in! It's nice stress relief where your brain just concentrates on pictures of unicorns and pretty colors. A glass of wine helps too *grin*
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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