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My obliques...

are freaking killing me...I finally introduced cardio into my work-out...I am working on 30 minutes on the elliptical Monday - Friday...I'm hoping to move up to an hour before the end of the month. :-)

Dancing tonight was loads of fun! I realized something as I was dancing...I can totally dance separately from the guy when we are in open position...when the hell did that happen? :-) This is going to be super short...I'm feeling really exhausted...unfortunately...it is one of those times that my mind is whirling with so many thoughts and concepts and I am unable to write them out...I need to relax and try to focus my mind a bit before I go to bed tonight. I am way too excited.

Food and Stuff...

The strangest thing has been happening with my relationship with food...don't get me wrong...I love food...I love cooking, not that I've had an opportunity to in a bit because of the schedule I've been keeping, but...for some reason I'm just not interested in consuming it. They say that if you have an aversion to food you should eat something savory...but I'm just not interested in eating at all...it's odd...I'm hungry...I just not interested in eating. *shrug* I don't quite understand it myself.

I'm really looking forward to September! :-D I will be starting Ballet, Hip Hop, and Contemporary! I'm just hoping I'll still manage to fit in Yoga and Tracy Anderson workouts...I have realized that I am not doing enough cardio though. I'd like to start running again...I wonder where I can squeeze that in? I have a feeling that my sleeping will be gradually worse than what it normally is, if that's even possible...lol...I will admit that last night I was totally fried...I think I actually slept 8 hours last night. I fell asleep around 11:45ish...and woke up around 7:30ish today...it's quite amazing. I do feel horribly antsy right now though. I feel like I have too much energy...which of course means my level of focus is even less than normal.

For some reason I'm feeling exceptionally happy today. Not sure why...I just woke up really happy and excited for the day...no...not just the day, but the week. My week is pretty busy...my mind is so odd. I just thought to myself if people have to think about being a good person...lol...

One of the ideas that just popped into my head...and mainly because I was thinking of how I could be a better person...is having a life with balance. James Patterson made the observation, "Life is a game where you are juggling 5 balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. You are keeping them all in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The
other 4 balls family, health, friends, and integrity are made of glass. If you drop one of these it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered, And once you truly understand the lesson of the 5 balls you will have the beginnings of balance in your life."

I wonder at what level of maturity my mind would need to be at for me to say something so eloquently and deep?

Balance is a hard thing to achieve...I will be the first to tell you that my life is not the most balanced...I do try, but let's be honest...some of those other balls are just more fun! Though...I suppose one ball I'd like to work on is having more integrity...I wonder if integrity is one of those things that having too much of would be bad? When someone tells me, "Oh that person has integrity" it makes me smirk a little...on the inside of course...What does that mean? As with all words, integrity was assigned a meaning...this is one of those words that, to me, is subjective. What does the word integrity bring to mind when you think of it when applied to an individual? I suppose to many it may bring about an image of one who is honest, has sound moral character...but even with that image, or thought in mind...what is morality? Again...another word (yes, yes like all words), that to me has been assigned a subjective meaning. Don't misunderstand, I know that meanings of words must start somewhere. There had to have been an agreement on the word for the meaning for the word to "exist".

You know...thinking about this more deeply...why is it important to have integrity? Why is it important to be moral? Would the world really be very unpleasant if those things were lacking? Do they already lack? Is it only unpleasant because we were told, socially, that it would be? lol...when I get on a roll with questions like this it reminds me of when I was little and asking so many questions, albeit, my questions were much simpler...but even writing them down, I feel that I'm being slightly obnoxious...though, I suppose this is why I don't really voice these types of questions to other individuals...who would I be able to speak to that I would be able to have a rousing conversation with? Not an argument mind you...just more of a melding of the minds...what is it about society and how it operates that just gets me behaving like a child with my questions? ...I suppose to some of the more "serious" individuals my questions are trivial and silly...after all...shouldn't I just be accepting of the world and how it works? After all...my questions are insignificant to greater problems of the world...right? ...hehe...what fun would that be? My inquisitive self is one I appreciate the most.
Today I am feeling particularly centered and at peace...that means this journal entry will be rather disparate as my writing flows to stream of consciousness versus a more outlined one. I've been spending a lot of time thinking...and having many inner monologues...thinking is sometimes an odd thing. I always wonder how other people think...how their thought process works...are other's thoughts as unconnected as mine? When I speak with others I tend to think of at least...a minimum of 5 completely different things. As my brain is firing off thoughts I carefully construct what comes out of my mouth, lest I confuse people with too much sporadicity. I wonder why I have a difficult time focusing or dedicating myself to one thing at a time? Even when I do my best to focus on one thing, at most I can only put about 50% of my mind into it, while the other 50% gallivants off with completely unrelated topics.

I really like Blues music. As a matter of fact I'm listening to Pandora...key word "Etta James". I had a great time yesterday Blues dancing. I like it a lot!!! There is a lot more to the dance then I thought. WCS is, and will most likely always be, my favorite dance so my focus will always remain mostly on WCS...however, I find Blues quite intriguing as well. I am very excited to get more enthralled with it.

I'm definitely losing weight...it is always a funny thing...when you don't think about what you are doing (eating well, working out, et cetera) and then clothes aren't quite fitting as tightly as they used to...it's actually a really nice feeling! And also really crappy if you haven't owned the clothes for very long :-) Ahh well...I'm not really complaining, I'm actually quite thrilled. And as vain as this might sound, I am most excited about are wearing my old form fitting shirts that I have so many of! Also...never again will I let myself go as much as I have. It was so much easier just working out everyday and maintaining my smaller size then it is to lose weight from where I'm currently at. :-p I feel rather melancholy when I look at my older clothes and wish I could wear more of them...I'm also really looking forward to wearing skirts and dresses again...how weird. lol...I've always liked skirts and dresses, but I've never been one that was excessively girly...but oddly...I've been changing more towards that persona as I've gotten a bit older. I suppose one can only stay a tomboy for so long.

Music fascinates me...not just music, but how people interpret or hear music. Yes...I know for the most part that music is very predictable...but I'm always amazed that when one hasn't heard a song how they can feel...just FEEL the hits or the breaks or the repeated beats...then...I'm also curious about those who don't seem to hear the music at all. If I remember from science class, I believe it is the right side of the brain that helps those have more of an innate/affinity to hearing and feeling music...I do wonder what leads to that though. I know from a test that I took years ago that my right side is more dominant then my left side...which is why my brother would tease me and didn't think I'd really cut it in the School of Science and Engineering at my college. I've always leaned more towards the creative...I used to really like drawing and painting...I haven't done it in very long as my interest strayed to other things such as music, singing, and writing...I used to write poetry everyday...I laugh when I think about that now and wonder I managed to be that creative with poetry...I remember I wrote mainly of relationships...I wonder if I began poetry again what it run more towards...perhaps it would be more observations of life?

Speaking of music...I really want to take voice lessons...I need to research where I can do that. I've always wanted to do that...I miss singing in
choir...

I love observing people...one of my most recent enjoyable places to observe people was at Havana...lol...yes I hate Salsa music...but watching people was pretty amusing. I plan to go back soon and spend more time there and just hypothesize.

My sick joy of observing people leads to my next, and most likely final thought (for now ;-)), perception. The interacting, relationships, thoughts (trivial or otherwise) of people has always fascinated me. When someone says something, what is he truly thinking or feeling? Does he mean what he says, or is he a fantastic liar? When one says something socially unacceptable, is it really a surprise or do people agree? This observatory side of me always leads me to trouble...I tend to analyze...and be completely spot on which can be troublesome...or I can over-analyze and be completely...wrong. Yeah...I said wrong...I typically do not correlate that word to me ;-) Being wrong is even more troublesome...*sigh* Anyhow...the point is, the human nature and what people are capable never ceases to amaze me. Learning and understanding the true ins and outs of people is...well, the first word that pops into my mind is that it is useful. I suppose, I should question...what are my motivations for truly understanding people...what is my incentive? Or is it really idle curiosity? :-) I also am interested in how much people actually share with individuals and is actually true or merely what is socially seen as appropriate/correct? And even if you don't think that the latter is real? It most certainly is. I have been in many social situations where I am not truly myself, and instead I am what society would deem as appropriate. This includes to my words, my behavior, my facial expressions...and of course...my attitude. I suppose one reading this would think, "That's a little strange"...but is it? I'm certain that everyone does this...the question is to what level people do it at...and then my next pondering is why go to such extremes? I will be the first to admit that I have at times completely changed my personality to "fit in" socially. And my reasoning isn't because I particularly care about what others think of me, but more that it is too much of a nuisance to explain my true behavior...or in essence, being questioned for who I truly am. I have no interest the majority of the time explaining myself to others. To be honest, there are very few individuals who really know me...who truly understand me...and those that I am myself with. And those individuals? Those are the ones that I explain myself to because I care to do so. The other interesting thing about perception...one's perception of himself is usually very disparate to what those around him think. I'm a fairly happy, optimistic/realistic individual...that is the one part of myself that I will genuinely share with others. Though my carefree attitude is perceived as some to be flighty, airheaded, or not particularly too bright. That perception of me amuses me the most. :-) And that perception is one that I will use to my advantage. After all...airheaded and not too bright people can't do much harm, right?

Why do I like planning?

What is it about a list that makes me feel so good about myself? As I've gotten older I am really learning to accept my idiosyncrasies and OCD behavior. Well anyhow...I've made up my schedule pre-September and September going forward so...I'm totally stoked about it!

pre-September
Sunday: Yoga (9:30), Blues (15:45)
Monday: Tracy (7:00), Yoga (19:30)
Tuesday: Tracy (7:00), WCS
Wednesday: Tracy (7:00), Dance practice
Thursday: Tracy (7:00), Blues (19:30)
Friday: Tracy (7:00), Yoga (17:30), Lindy (20:00)
Saturday: Yoga (9:30), WCS


September+
Sunday: Yoga (9:30), Blues (15:45)
Monday: Tracy (7:00), Hip hop (18:05), Yoga (19:30)
Tuesday: Tracy (7:00), Ballet(19:00), WCS
Wednesday: Tracy (7:00), Contemporary (19:15), Dance practice
Thursday: Tracy (7:00), Ballet (19:00), Blues (21:00)
Friday: Tracy (7:00), Yoga (17:30), Lindy (20:00)
Saturday: Yoga (9:30)

Yea...I'm feeling pretty good about that! :-) I just need to figure out how I'm going to work this when I have to travel for work... :-(
Oh my god...I can't believe it's Friday...this week went by so insanely fast! My first week at the new job is going pretty well! :-) My manager is really great, I like her a lot! She has already assigned three products to me. She will be working with me through my first release then after that I'm on my own! :-D I am soooooo excited! Along with training I did manage to fit in a few meetings, I attended a Sales meeting and a couple of project meetings and roadmapping!

I actually like some of the meetings here they are very passionate and the way they solve and estimate is fun! We use something called planning poker... :-D it is hilarious and amazing! You'll get some estimates from 1/2 a day to 13 days! When it is that disparate an all out discussion happens with why people selected those variances of numbers. Aside from work I've been dancing a lot...and I mean A LOT! I did do Blues dancing last night which I freaking LOVE!!!! I can't wait to go again! I love the feel of it, I love the music (except for this one carnival like song that was played :-p), and the people are so, so nice! I met a lot of great people last night :-)

The classes are also really fun and I love that the teachers rotated in! It allowed them to give feedback to everyone. I am also really fascinated by the close embrace. It is amazing how much you can feel when you are that close to someone! I really see this as being beneficial for WCS, afterall, let's be honest...anything I do with other dance styles really comes back to WCS...lol...I know that continuing on with my studies of Blues will really help with my following and with becoming more in touch with the feel of the connection.

First day of work!

Today was my first day at work...it wasn't bad. Th only thing that kind of sucked was the commute in the morning. It took me exactly one hour to get in to work...and when I left it took me exactly 35 minutes to get home. If I can just make my commute to work 35 minutes, that would be lovely. :-)

Everyone that I've met has seemed pretty nice...and the work itself is actually pretty interesting! I was already assigned to a product! :-) My new boss is also really organized! She provided me my travel schedule for the next 1.5 years...and she has already let me know that she wants me to attend a training.

All in all...it wasn't bad! :-) I even felt that I contributed a little already by having product suggestions :-D

Most productive week ever?

Or not...it isn't starting off that fantastically as I slept most of the day away! And as not to screw up my already horrible sleeping habits I will not be sleeping again until much later tonight. :-) That means I'll be a zombie most of the day, but whatever. :-p

The past weekend was pretty fun, I went to a dance event called Wisconsin Dance Challenge! I'm definitely going to make some time to go out to the Midwest again for dancing! The people there were very nice! As for the rest of this week I am really going to try and focus it onto my new workout/dance schedule! I am also going to see where I can fit in my Japanese studies as well...listening to a lot of Japanese has enabled me to pick up common words, but aside from that... :-p I really need to work on my Kana and pronunciation.

I am definitely going to try to make Tuesday as productive as possible as I won't be sleeping...running errands...cleaning up around the house...etc...etc...buying more pens...what is my obsession with pens? I own so many...knowing that never in this lifetime I will use all of them...and yet I can't stop myself from buying them. :-p

Dancing has been fun...sort of. I managed to find someone to practice with, so that's great! :-) I am now an "intermediate" level dancer. I use that term very loosely as I consider myself to be more of an advanced novice level dancer and not quite intermediate. Working on it though. I still need so much more discipline relating to movement, balance, and the plain old fundamentals of west coast swing. I'm also looking to take up other forms of dance such as, Jazz, Hip Hop, Modern, and Ballet...all which will help me (hopefully) with balance and freedom for interpretation. My main problem still stands that in my head I am learning much more then I can actually instill into practice so it gets to be rather frustrating. I try to take a step back and do things one at a time, but my silly heads interjects with other things I am doing incorrectly :-p

Ahh...yes...and of course, I got a new job. Yes...I know...my 5th one since I've graduated college...but what can I say? I did love my last job...well, the people anyway, however, it just wasn't going anywhere. My new job is an Associate Product Manager role...hopefully, I will gain and learn more skills to where I want my career to go. It is looking to be exciting! :-)

David and I are doing ok...he works a lot...I travel a lot...hopefully that will change and we'll be able to spend more time together.

Life has been pretty dull for me...or I suppose it feels dull because I can't do about a million things in one day like I used to! I do miss high school...there was a time in my life that I could do at least 15 activities in the day and feel really productive! Now...a lame 3-5 things... :-p Being an adult is tiring. This year's number one goal is to win the lottery.

It's been awhile...

I know I say this so frequently...my life has been a bit of whirlwind between working and dancing. I think I will have to organize my life better so that I can make time to really reflect upon myself and what I'm doing. :) I've definitely been doing a lot of introspecting, just my ability to actually express it appropriately has been poor for a few years. It has been harder and harder for me to maintain my journal as the years have gone by. As usual I always feel that there is so much to say, but when I start typing I'm at a loss for words.

Perhaps it is too overwhelming for me to write once every few months... :) I will need to do a better job of writing perhaps once a week at the least.

Overall...I've just been enjoying life. It's so funny because when I was younger I was always so focused on the future...the 2 years, the 3, the 4, the 5 years from now that I never really enjoyed the moment I was in. It's hard to regret that attitude because I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't been so "future driven", though I do wish I had enjoyed those younger years more. Now, I am much more focused on living for the moment...enjoying who I am and learning to love myself. I always wonder about people and how they can so easily love themselves...I don't hate myself by any means, it is just I don't love myself as much as other people love themselves...lol...that sounds so horrible and I honestly don't mean to make it sound that way. I have just been working really hard at accepting who I am physically, emotionally, and mentally...it's rather challenging when you feel that you should be a different way.

I am of course still working on losing weight...though the purpose for losing weight has changed. It is no longer to be super hot and fit into a size 0...I am doing it now to be healthy, feel better about myself, and hopefully gain more self confidence. Irrelevant to how others may see me I'm really not that self confident about myself or my abilities. Me <-- work in progress :-)

I do catch myself not being as positive as I'd like to be so I have been trying to work on that as well...I'm doing my best to maintain my positive and carefree nature of life...because that is when I am the most happiest. Aside from working and working out I've been working on my dance a great deal. I love West Coast Swing...lately I've been so much happier as I've begun dancing. When I started dancing, it wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, it was more that I was concentrating so hard on being perfect and doing things perfectly that I couldn't really relax myself. Now...I feel a lot more relaxed...and I let myself just go with the flow...where ever my feet land they land...where ever my body turns it turns, I'm just kind of going with it. I'm just having so much more fun and when I do it I feel wonderful!

I did need to take a break last month...though I am loving the dance more I'm learning a lot more as well and I can see all my flaws and I have a laundry list of things I need to work on to make myself better...it can be quite overwhelming sometimes. The break was quite nice it just gave me an opportunity to relax...I did think about the dance almost every minute of the day...but I didn't do it. :-) It sounds like a drug...haha...oh well, there are worse things one could be addicted to I suppose.

Last weekend I attended an event, Swingin' Into Spring in Hartford, CT. I had a blast! I got to dance with many people that I haven't seen in awhile and I met new people as well! I ended up dancing with a strictly and ironically we drew one another in finals in the Jack and Jill! We got 1st in both :-) That was really exciting, but also kind of embarrassing...I know that sounds so weird, but I am so shy when I actually do well like that. Never in a million years did I ever believe I would ever make 1st place in anything...and I mean anything... it made me really happy! It ironically did not make me more confident...lol...I know that's so weird...but I still just see my flaws. I'm going to be working on the self confidence for awhile.

Snowboarding...Lesson 2

So...snowboarding time number 2...FUN! It was great! I took the Level 1 class again because I'm still not very good at slowing down/turning. Today I did way better! I think I will move up to Level 2, however, I am going to go and practice a few times before I take the class. I want to be really good at doing the heelside and toeside j-turns as well as heel and toe side slipping.

I did really well today! I'm definitely getting better every time I go up! When I went down the hill on the last run I only fell once! And I was able to start slowing myself down and turning! I almost stopped, it was awesome! I can't wait to go again. This time, my friend James came with! :-D He's a natural! It was his first time and he did wonderfully!

The best part is I'm focusing less on being freaked out on going downhill and focusing more on technique and putting the things I learned into practice.

I am so excited! Pre-season for next year is when I'm going to buy my board, boots, bindings, and cute outfit! :-D I'm not sure which brand I'm going to go for...Roxy looks pretty cute!

Snowboarding...Lesson 1

So I went to Wachusett today and I purchased the 3 lesson package...I had an absolute BLAST! I'm definitely more into snowboarding! I did ski one time and I didn't fall, but it wasn't very fun. I had the lesson and I practiced a little...I'm definitely going back tomorrow. So far, I'm not too sore...but we'll see what happens tomorrow morning when I wake up. My shoulder is a bit sore...I landed on it pretty hard.

The instructor said that I was 300% better at the end of the lesson...so, there we go...my balance totally sucks. I basically fell every single time. When I went to practice I took the "Magic carpet" up and sort of tumbled/snowboarded down :-p

I did find that I really like the snowboard boots that had the button in the front and you push it in and twist it to tighten it. I'm buying those next season!

Snowboarders are super nice! I met a ton of really nice people there and they said I was doing really well for my first time...but I'm sure they were just being nice.

And yes...I fell a lot...pretty much every time. I have no problem maintaining my balance going down...it's the slowing down and stopping that I'm not very good at yet. I basically have no control.

I'm definitely going to try and go as frequently as possible to get better. It was so funny because when I got to the mountain and saw two of the more complex runs I thought to myself, "There's no way in hell I will ever get on those runs." and as I was leaving it changed to, "I can't wait until I'm better to go on those runs!"

Oh man what a rush going down though...Carving the ice is the most satisfying thing...the sound that it makes and watching it is awesome! I can't wait until tomorrow!