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Not sure what to title this...

I have about 30 minutes before my WebX meeting...I was just kind of contemplating some stuff in my life...and it's funny really...this will probably be one of the more sporadic entries in awhile, merely because I am going to write what I think and feel versus thinking of how it sounds. Prepare for long and run-on sentences...

I've always felt that when one falls in love that the "in love" part would be forever. Time and again I've been proven wrong...not about the "in love forever" deal, but I've been wrong about whether or not I truly fell in love. I also always thought that one would just know...but...to be honest, I've never just known...I've always felt a great deal of passion for someone but not to the extent of, "Oh my God, this is it" *shake head* To be honest, this isn't even really the topic of this entry, I don't know why I am saying that...perhaps at a later date...

The real topic? Wasting time and energy on men. That's my topic. I told Eric this once, "Whenever I break up with someone I realize that I've wasted a great deal of my time and of my energy for that one person. It is such a pain in the ass." He looked at me and replied, "I don't think of it as wasting my time, I think of it as learning something..." and he said some more bullshit, but I don't remember what it is off hand. I remember thinking though, "The only thing I learn is I sure as hell don't ever want to be stuck with someone like that or for the next one to have any inherent qualities of the ex." That's what I learn, but I also walk away from the relationship with the rememberance of all the money, time, thought, and devotion that was put into that relationship, that I wasted. I had a discussion yesterday with ronalum and he told me, "I didn't understand why you were with him (Eric), I didn't feel like he really deserved the time and attention you gave him." Truth be told? From February on the relationship was more obligatory then me doing anything because I wanted to. Especially after the whole picture present situation. For example, I bought him this little granite statue of 2 turtle doves on a stick that was on a heart shaped platform. Why? Because I am goddamn romantic, that's why. Did I mean what the symbolic meaning of the present meant? No. I thought it was a nice and romantic gesture, so I bought one for him and one for me. I was actually afraid he wouldn't like anything I bought him because as one can see from Valentine's day, why waste the time and effort?

It was the same with all my ex's really...I always put so much thought and time...and...hahaha...I've never told anyone this...one day I spent about 4-5 hours making spaghetti sauce for Kalen. I drove over to his house with the cooked sauce and made the pasta there. With me I brought the sauce, the spaghetti, some garlic bread that I needed to pop into the oven, and...a card telling him that I loved him and would always be there for him. I handed him the card, he opens it, reads it, and starts yelling at me. Why? Because I had put a quote in there from a song. He thought that was very unimaginative and uncreative of me. I just blew it off and was like, "Ok, whatever" and began to cook the pasta. Sometimes when I think back I could just beat the shit out of myself for being so stupid. Obviously, that guy didn't deserve the time I spent on him, nor the thought I put into everything I did for him. He just didn't, and yet, I kept trying. Why? Because in the beginning he had been such a great guy, so nice, so sweet, he wrote me a few love letters, held me close, told me he loved me...told me he couldn't imagine himself with anyone else, "I'm not like other men", he says; yeah I've heard that bullshit before, every man I date tells me that. Did he mean any of that shit? NO he didn't. And yet, I stayed...in an incredibly unhappy situation for another...4 months I guess? We dated for 1.5 years. I am so fucking glad that I got out of that.

It's like I have the words, "Take Advantage of Me" written on my forehead. Fuck that. And...it's like I refuse to have a pessimistic outlook on people and on men...and on me. Why? I have no fucking clue. There's been John, Brad, Brian, Jonathan, Eric, Kalen...I don't even remember a lot of them anymore...but there have been so many men I've dated...who I've spent so much time on...so much energy...and yet...each new guy that comes along I attack the relationship with the same fervour...same energy...same emotion...same passion...and if I feel at the time he is more deserving I put more than my usual 150%. What happens in the end? Same bullshit...he doesn't deserve it. I lose interest...then I feel disgusted with myself for wasting my time.

And the funny part? I don't think that will ever change...I mean thinking back on the multitude of relationships I've had, it never has. I've mentioned before I fear becoming my mother...I love her, she is a fabulous woman, she's strong, independent, strong-willed...all the stuff I prize in myself...and yet in love she is so bitter.

When I fall in love I don't want to exude that type of emotions onto him. I want to stay who I am now...very loving, affectionate, devoted...creative... When I am with someone I rarely do things for myself, I do things for him to make him happy. The thing that was so depressing about my last ex's? Nothing I did ever seemed to make them happy. It's like...for one I never spent enough money on him...for the other, maybe it was just too lovey-dovey or sappy...but he sure as hell never really appreciated it. I also want to love with my whole being...I want it to be passionate...and I want the feeling to be completely...raw. I want him to know me like no one else, I want there to be a level understanding between us that I've never been able to achieve with another, perhaps so far as to say myself. At the same time...I want those feelings to be returned to me...I want him to feel as lost in me as I am in him...



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 29th, 2003 02:02 pm (UTC)
"And the funny part? I don't think that will ever change..." It (you) better not change. You have so much to give to the right person!
Aug. 29th, 2003 03:15 pm (UTC)
I probably won't...how sad.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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