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How something so small can bring a slew of memories. As I was cleaning up around my computer area (as I have not completely unpacked due to my lack of a book-case curse Office Max...) I picked up a fan made of...*sniffs fan* pine perhaps? When I was in 8th grade Nino (who was a friend in 8th grade) had gone to the Philippines and had asked everyone what we wanted. I told him I wanted a fan...I had one from Korea, but had lost it or something...so he said sure.

I recall...shortly after he returned I began to find out that the people I thought were my friends were not really my friends at all. I discovered that they were talking about me...saying how stupid I was...or something? To be honest, I am not quite sure what they had to talk about. In 8th grade though I was out-going I never did anything bad or mean to anyone...I received straight A's...I wonder if they made fun of me because the teacher's would call on me in class and I would know the answers? *shrug* The funny thing...they received nothing from me as my "friend". Well...actually...what they did receive from me was that I would listen to all their bullshit problems. I would listen to them bitch, complain about their lives and be empathetic to them. What I received in return? Nothing...but them talkng about me. Funny...that they would betray someone who knows all their secrets...

I wonder...why did I keep the fan? I have come to realize now that I was never hurt because they did not like me...I was more hurt because I had been so stupid to believe that they did. You know...I think that was the turning point in my life...it followed me through HS, College, and even now...it explains why I rarely trust people. Hmm...and explains why I desire so few friends...

Another incident in Georgia...I used to go to church...and I was part of the Church Youth group and what not...well, one night they decided to get together and have a sleep over, but they did not invite me. Why? According to Sue, who by the way was constantly coming to me with her bullshit problems, complaining about how this one guy in church didn't like her and how she was soooo in love with him (I am so disgusted with these people now) started hanging out with this new girl, Dawn from church. I guess they both decided that I was too obnoxious...when I hung out with the 2 of them they were constantly excluding me from their conversation, I could barely get a word in edge-wise...

I think...that was the first time where I truly hated someone. Dawn was such a drama person...she was having sex with this one guy...and then she wasn't using protection, then she thought she might be pregnant...*shake head* I half hoped that she was so she would ruin her life and reputation...*sigh* I know...not very nice of me is it? However, at that moment in time I did not feel that she deserved anything kind from me.

I find it rather amusing...I am nothing like I was back then. When I was that age (15 I believe) I did not go up to Sue or Dawn and tell them what I thought of them...and yet...at the age that I am at now, I have no problem telling people how I feel about them, or how cruel they are...or selfish they are...I wonder what caused that? Perhaps, I was just very tired of people fucking with my head and my heart. Unfortunately, when I befriend someone I put my heart into that as well...I turned away from going to church...I went perhaps 4-5 times after that incident.

As I was growing up I was very introverted...I didn't want to make friends, why bother? They were too much of a hassle...I didn't need people. I had my books, I had my writing, and I had my imagination and creativity. It wasn't until College I became some what extroverted. You know...to be honest...I don't know which way to classify myself. What people see when they meet me is not who I am in person. People I meet I am very cordial with and strike up interesting conversations, however, with people that know me...know the...lol...wild, crazy, and perverted side of me...

My mind is swimming...need to drain it...

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