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So here it is...

For about the past week and a half my mind has been turning around thoughts, ideas, people...in a way I feel almost lost, depressed, confused, almost as if I've lost my direction or my path of what I want to do. I am beginning to think that when one experiences a drastic change it calls for a reinvention of oneself. My feelings stand true...I know what I want out of my professional life, unfortunately I fear it is my personal life that I am very unsure of.

As I have lived in Massachusetts for a few months now I have yet to find true friends. I have many acquaintances, but I lack in a someone that I can depend on to be there for me when I want to talk about a problem or thoughts in my head. When I experience that urge I call either ronalum or caballero. Sometimes I wish I understood why I hold such high expectations for people that are close to me, because that is part of my problem of finding a person that I would call friend. I feel so detached from the people here...it is not that I find anything wrong with the people of Boston or Massachusetts for that matter it is just...I am having a hard time finding my niche here. To rectify that I joined a couple of clubs, such as the EICSL and Boston's Young Professionals. I suppose we shall see where that takes me.

Another thing that has been on my mind...has been my past boyfriends. Not all of them as that would be too many...but the most recent ones, Joe, Jonathan, Kalen, and Eric. Why? Simply because I wonder if I could have been a better person and a better girlfriend to them. This comes back to me having high expectations of people that I am with. For example, I want to be with someone who has high goals and ambitions, someone who wants to be able to live comfortably because that is what I want...also someone who is romantic, thoughtful, et cetera, et cetera...but above all else I want to feel passion. I want to feel a deep, underlying, soul reaching passion...the passion part is so difficult to explain, but the passion part is the part that will hold my interest in a man forever. I know...*sigh* I am idealistic to a fault...but I am sure everyone already knew that...

There are times I wish I wouldn't feel so damn much...however, I think that if I didn't feel as much I wouldn't be as thoughtful as I am. Back to the ex's...Joe was a pretty ok boyfriend...simply because he had no objection to taking me out. The problem with him though is that he always talked, talked, talked...but never did what he said he would. I am a strong believer that actions speak louder than words. For example...we were supposed to go to Vancouver, B.C. for months he said we would, then one day he calls me and says, "Me and my friends are going Vancouver, I will talk to you when I get back" Dumb ass...that has to be the biggest and worst move on his part. I was PISSED needless to say...it has only cemented my belief that there are too many people in this world who are unreliable.

I have realized...there are many experiences I have had that I have never told other people about...perhaps I will have to reflect and do it sometime soon...

Then there was Jonathan...OMG a damn mama's boy he was...hmph...let's not go down that route...

Then there's Kalen...*sigh* The humor in this folks? 3 out of 4 of the men mentioned above all proposed to me in some point in time...Kalen proposed to me 4 times before I stopped laughing at him and accepted. It is hard to take someone seriously when they ask you without having bought or given you some kind of a ring...He was actually the longest person I've dated...and it's funny...he is the first person that I do not feel like was a waste of my time. I really did love him...*sigh* unfortunately...the type of love I was expecting in return was not reciprocated...I have learned it never really has... The problem with Kalen? He never wanted to go anywhere...I paid for almost everything...I always drove though he had a car...needless to say this was pretty much a one-sided relationship, I'm afraid it wore me out.

Then there's Eric...the most recent one...now there's one that I wonder about...he seemed like such a nice guy...but in the end...what an asshole...I was seriously beginning to question, "Maybe if I had done this...or perhaps if I hadn't done this..." Then someone told me..."Natalie, there were only 2 things you liked about him...his sensitivity and how he was in bed" lol...and then it all flooded back...the many things I disliked about him...the many things that annoyed me...but even through all that...I loved him...and I wanted the best for him... I feel that way about almost all the men I've dated... I hope they do well with themselves... What was wrong with Eric? Same as Joe really...always talked of things he wanted to do with me, such as places or surprises he could do for me...but he never did. *sigh* Men are so unreliable...or perhaps...I've just never met anyone who felt I was worth enough...or as coprolith stated, "Or perhaps you've never met anyone truly reliable"...perhaps...

I've wondered...what is it about me that I attract men who are such...well...*sigh* nevermind...

I am missing something...I just haven't quite figured out what it is...to be honest...it makes me uneasy...more self-discovery is needed.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 15th, 2003 11:15 am (UTC)
Hi!I just wanted to say that I really relate to what you were saying in this entry. I totally understand and it's nice to know that someone else has been there. Luckily, I have found a wonderful man now. I just hope you realize that drchase isn't the man for you though, he just doesn't sound like he is going to give you those things that you desire and need... -Brooke Lynn (you don't know me, I found your journal through a friend of a friend of a friend...or something like that...lol)
Oct. 15th, 2003 11:46 am (UTC)
Hi Christina.
Oct. 15th, 2003 05:25 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the empathy, however, as I've been dating drchase for a little over 2 months I have yet to see a fault with him.

We actually flow together fairly well because we are on the same intellectual level. However, thanks for your concern, it was very nice of you to warn me. :)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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