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Epiphany is a nice thing, yes?

So, through my discussion with, let's call him Ralph, I discovered that he has been stalking me for the past 9 years of my life. lol...what do I mean by that? Well, he hasn't literally been stalking me of course. However, while we were talking we discovered we had lived in the same area for the past 9 years, for instance, when I was in Georgia from 95-98 he had been there from 96-97 (or something like that), before that I think he said he lived in Seattle, which is also where I was. From 97-2001 Ralph was in Seattle, I was there from 98-2003. Not only that...but he also worked for the same company as I did...haha...GE. How funny is that? *shrug* What do you do?

It made me realize how timing kind of plays in. More amusing to me is the fact that after 9 years of living in fairly close proximity together we have gotten somewhat acquainted together now.


On an unrelated topic...my boss told me that I have to lose the innocence and naïveté if I want to survive in corporate. I have found that through the years I have been losing my innocence little by little...and to be honest? I have absolutely no interest in losing anymore or it all completely. Why? I've stated this before...I want to always believe that people are innately good, that there is something inside someone, no matter how terrible he appears to be, is good.

I am stubborn on so many levels and I have realized some of the things that I am so stubborn about reflect on how I treat men. I was told last night that I shouldn't give so much of myself to the men I am with. I explained to him that I want to give myself to people, I enjoy doing things for them, giving them things, in essence, I love being who I am. I am a very genuine person and I hate being anything but myself. I don't do things for people that I do not care for and this trend isn't just men. I am like this with my friends as well. I have always felt that if you are going to do something you should put 110%...no, 200%+ into it. As far as I'm concerned why do anything if you are going to do it half-assed?

I suppose my stubborness on wanting to be myself, to be genuine, wanting to remain innocent has really gotten me no where with men. Sometimes...I don't think men want a woman who is genuine, kind, caring, or sweet. I have noticed that men tend to treat women they are dating like gold, but what is that man's return? Generally speaking, the woman treats him like shit...it appears he means very little to her. She laughs at his attempt at chivalry, she mocks his attempt at romance, she disdains his loving and affectionate touch... She attempts to make him hers alone by demanding he quit hanging out with his friends... Now I am not saying that this is true for all...it is just a pattern I've noticed. I've had guy friends come to me with complaints...and I tell them honestly, "She deserves the shit that comes out of your ass." Simply, she doesn't appreciate you. It breaks my heart sometimes watching people go through this...

I've always felt that love is a big circle...that with it anything can be achieved...that if you loved someone enough... Then I realized...through my honest and naïveté, that there is something missing. It isn't about you loving someone enough...it is about the love that is shared being strong enough. Perhaps I can blame my parents for this? lol...perhaps not. My parents taught me, no, they showed me to be a good person; do what needs to be done; be responsible for your own actions; to love honestly and deeply, not blindly. And with this information, what have I done? I suppose this is where my blame comes in ;) I nurtured those lessons. I believe that children are innocent and life simply changes them and as I've grown I've maintained some of my child-like innocence because I don't let some things cause me to become either bitter or cynical. A lot of people laugh at me and think I'm stupid because I refuse to have a pessimistic outlook on life.

I've always believed in things that seem to lack in society today. I believe in the goodness of others, the belief that things can work out no matter how horrible they seem, and love. Perhaps I live in a fantasy world...where things seem to work-out, perhaps I am wrong to hold out for "the one". In my heart, I don't feel like I am wrong. There are very many things where I let logic rule...but when pure emotions are involved in the event I let my heart feel what it wants. I do not have this mind versus feeling thing going on that many people do when making emotional decisions.

I suppose through it all...no matter how many have cheated on me, have abused my love and feelings, have ignored me, have shown unappreciation for me as a person...I still believe that I will find a love someday where it will surpass all those things. An enlightened moment in time and standstill.

Oh my...I suppose this entry was all over the place...writing in the stream of consciousness is not always the best thing. However I've been tending to go in that direction haven't I? I have too many thoughts to hash out...I thought I took care of that here...guess not.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 8th, 2003 08:04 am (UTC)
You know I really admire that about you....refusing to have a pessimistic outlook on life! Thats a true quality today that is lacking in alot of us out there!!! :) *HUGS*
Nov. 8th, 2003 09:41 am (UTC)
"Don't go changing, to try and please me...." Just another version of "To thine own self be true..." The essence of Natalie, IS Natalie.
Nov. 9th, 2003 03:32 pm (UTC)
A lot of the big corporate types are like that.. you need to have that killer instinct blah blah blah.... I don't want to subscribe to that either. If there weren't any people who didn't agree with that philosophy, then it'd just be accepted as normal behaviour. I don't like the idea of that....
Nov. 10th, 2003 07:12 am (UTC)
I don't like the idea of that....

Me neither...
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )