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Choices in life...how fear affects them

I really dislike making mistakes…especially when consequences are uncertain. My situation is this...there is a man that I am dating, who I am very much in love with. We got into a fight and we are taking some time off from one another. For a couple of weeks he didn't call me, now he is calling me almost everyday. A few days ago I sort of met someone who I find very interesting and captivates my attention. He is very funny, interesting, and most importantly smart. He has made the past few days almost bearable for me…I have had very few urges to call my boyfriend, which is good it means I am giving him the space that he needs.

I am also worried though, because I fear that I am seeing the other man for more than what he possibly is. He meets many of the requirements or necessities that I needed/wanted before dating my current beau. However, how am I to know that I am not just using the other guy to forget about my boyfriend? That is my fear...what if I am not really interested in this guy at all? I don't ever want to hurt a person's feelings and I am worried I will hurt his. I have been seriously considering meeting him...and having a little "fun" if you know what I mean...at the same time I am worried/scared that if I do I will really like this guy. So what does THAT mean? I mean, what does that say about me as a person? And if I do have the "fun" with the guy, how will I feel afterwards? Will I be happier? Will I be happy at all, or will I hate myself…the past three weeks I have been holding out because my heart knew what it wanted…am I letting myself lust after someone, is that really helping my heart at all? Or is it my heart telling me that it likes this guy? I am a romantic at heart...and as I have posted before I believe there is one guy for me...and for so long I have felt that my boyfriend IS that one...

This guy writes the most interesting journal entries. Talking to him really makes me think, and rethink things that I have always believed in. I have never been one adverse to change, because I love to learn new things as long as the thing I am learning is feasible and realistic. He is interesting, funny, and I don't think I will ever get bored learning more about him and who he is as a person. What makes him laugh, what makes him smile, sad, angry...I want to know all these things about him. How has his past life affected who he is as a person? I want to study his behaviour and see what makes him tick...I wonder if I will always find him so interesting? Maybe I see meeting him and having sex with him as a bad thing...what if I really like it? I guess one of the many things about me that has changed through the years is I no longer want to have meaningless sex. There are those occassions of course when I wouldn't mind, but...well...you know. I am afraid that having sex with this other guy might mean something to me. And on many levels I don't want it to...and on some...I do want it to mean something to both him and I. Meeting him has really turned my world upside down...maybe for the better, maybe for the worst. I am really not sure.

(sigh) I need some more time to think about this.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 8th, 2002 09:06 pm (UTC)
I won't forgive you, and you won't forgive yourself unless you're absolutely sure its the right thing to do. If you have and doubts at all no.

In other news, when and where are we going hiking on Saturday? Sunday is taken.
Jul. 8th, 2002 09:17 pm (UTC)
Re: Don't
No, I will be in Portland on Saturday. We can always go hiking the following Saturday or Sunday? I forgot I have to take this stupid business trip on thursday.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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