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Evocative...

There are times when I stop to think about my life and wonder what exactly am I supposed to be doing. It takes me back to times where things were simpler...

Some things I wish...to not have moved around so much, to be able to say, I have known this person all my life (not related to me)...the most I can say is, "This person has known me for about 2 years". There is only ONE person that has known me for five, I mean really knows me and has stayed in contact with me. I sometimes wish I could be able to say, "sure, I went to HS with you, remember? Didn't you want to be an actress?" (shake head) Silly, perhaps.

Anthony John Ackerson...I loved him, I still do. A friend who was in love with me when we were younger...I recall the last time I spoke to him...July of 1997. We had known one another when we were 13...of course I am horrible at maintaining contact. I had come back to Seattle for a visit (I was living in Georgia at the time) and we were trying to set up a time to see one another. And, unfortunately due to his work schedules and my "entertaining" schedules we were unable to. So the last thing I had said to him was, "I love you Tony, I will see ya next time I come for a visit" and he had said, "I love you too Natalie, see ya". So...I come back to live here permanently...thought that it might be fun to give him a call, since I was driving now. Now this is sometime mid July of 1998...I call his house and ask, "May I speak to Tony please?" his mother says, "May I ask who's calling?" and I said, "Natalie" long silence, then she says, "honey, I'm sorry...Tony died last year." I was in shock...I didn't know how to react...so I simply asked, "where is he buried?" she gave me the location and I thanked her. Then I asked, "May I have a picture of him please?" She said she would be happy to send me one and I gave her my address...

I didn't even cry...I didn't know what to think...she told me that he had drowned. I went downstairs looking to my mom for comfort and I told her what happened. She merely said, "stupid kid" and I just walked away. I didn't visit his grave-site for another month or so...I think I was just too scared. I stopped by sometime in August before I went off for school. I took one look at his grave and just cried for hours. I was there most of the afternoon and didn't leave until the cemetery closed. It took me seeing his site to really hit me that I would never see him again...I would never tell him that I loved him and would have loved to have dated him when we had the chance. I wonder if dead people hear you...I visit his site now and then...I have yet to drop off the poem that I wrote for him...I wrote it so long ago, 4 years now...(sigh). I still cry when I see it...

I always question what would it have been like if I hadn't dated those assholes? (shake head)...Let's see...

John Buckley...funny thing, he was Tony's best friend since kindergarten...they sort of went their ways in HS. I gave him a call after finding out about Tony's death, he didn't remember me...and he didn't remember Tony. I wonder what happened to him? He cheated on me...(he was a great kisser though)

Brad (can't remember his last name) he was odd...he gave his SSN so I could always "find" him? lol...yeah right...he cheated on me too and knocked her up. I probably should have dropped him long before then. He was 5 years older than me...he smoked pot. Should have seen that one coming...(also a great kisser)

David Mitchell...he just lied to me the whole relationship...

Kalen Hall...this was our first time around. He left me for his ex...(first guy I slept with that was a boyfriend...fabulous kisser)

Anthony (can't remember his last name) he just never made the time to get a hold of me. For weeks I was sick with the flu, he never called to see if I was okay...he had moved to Philadelphia so I had gone to visit him during winter break...he had NO food in his house. I got sick because it was freezing there and I walked 6 miles to the nearest grocery store to get food...I also think he was cheating on me...so I dumped him (didn't even pay attention to me sexually half the time, said I was too sexually needy (roll eyes))

Joe Towner...what a jerk. He dumped me for no reason, because he thought he was too good for me or something (shrug) (hated his kissing, but he was good in bed)

Jonathan Eggers...another jerk. Invites me to watch him bowl, so I say okay and his ex-girlfriend is on his team. (shake head) He totally blows her off, then blames it on me! When I am the one who made him go talk to her...got tired of his bull shit real fast so I dumped him. (great kisser)

Then...Kalen again...who knows with this time around...

I didn't realize that I have had so many boyfriends...I wonder, if I hadn't dated those men would I be less bitter, less cynical, more child-like? And if so...would that be a good thing? My only regrets have been wishing that I ended it sooner before they had the chance. What makes men cheat on women, and vice versa? If they are so unhappy why don't they end the relationship before the sexual relations with another?

I know one thing...I think that I wouldn't have slept with as many men as I have if I hadn't dated those guys...at the age of 17 I was so tired of men fucking with my head, fucking with my heart...I guess I decided to take it upon myself to do it back...which is my one-night stand episodes. It is so funny...I am also a lot more nonchalant about men cheating on me now too. I have also sort of developed a 6th sense for it. Not that I would ever stay with someone if they cheated on me...but I fear that my heart may have hardened towards men. I don't want to feel like that...what does it take to pull down the barriers to be completely committed? I don't know...

Life is so uncertain, and perhaps that is the beauty of it...

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