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Life realizations 1

So...a few days ago I realized something about myself...money isn't what drives me. Isn't that funny? Independence does...then money...simply because I need to money to maintain my complete independence and quality of life.

The other thing that I have come to realize...it isn't so much as a realization as much as an acceptance of my life. Ever since I was young I have been chasing dreams, who doesn't when she is little, right? However, the dreams I chased didn't really match what my mom wanted for me. She wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor...you know someone who made a ton of money and was "successful"...forget the fact that at one point I wanted to be a singer...a dancer...a writer. So in my own "rebellious" way I pursued those things in my own fashion. I sang wherever I could...I was in ballet and tap...I wrote poetry and short stories as often as I could...I even got a few poems published. I have never lacked confidence in my abilities...but somehow along the way I have become sad because of this fit...or mold I have been trying to become for my mom. She will never be happy unless I am making a tons of money. Forget the fact that the way I make the money doesn't make me happy...

When I moved out when I was 18 I did it for my own happiness my own sanity if you will. I worked 20-25 hours a week making crap when I was in college so I wouldn't have to live with her. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but I hate feeling like I can't do what I want to do.

People don't always understand my fascination with the books I enjoy reading...it is because those books make me really happy. I feel free...it reminds me of what I want to really do with my life to become a writer. I know it doesn't mean I will be successful but I sure as hell want to give it a try...I just wish people wouldn't be so negative about it. It's what would make me happy, but who cares what makes me happy as long as I am making a ton of money.

I don't want to stop dreaming...I can't stop...


Jul. 8th, 2005 08:16 pm (UTC)
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