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haha...I thought this was funny...

Aries (March 21- April-19)

LIVES for head massages. ANY part of their head: Lips, Eyelids, Eyes,
Tongue, you name it! Aries also likes to fuck in public places during business
hours. You need to be open minded with an Aries...If you don't feel like being
duct taped to a wall and beaten with live ferrets: Tell Them. Be warned! IF you
don't want to be kinky, don't be with an Aries. If you say 'No' too often to
them you may lose them as a lover forever.
Aries Idea of Heaven Is: Participating in live sex shows for money. Having
their favorite human toy win first place in a pony boy/girl race. Fucking as
an art form on display in a gallery. They secretly crave to be strippers or
Annie Sprinkle. Aries LIVES to be jealous...they also like to coordinate other
people fucking. Secretly desire to be fluffers. Aries owned a Violet Wand
before it was popular. They are also Sadists.
The best gift to give an Aries is designer colored nylon rope in their
favorite color. They live to tease and torture...HEY...Somebody's gotta do it,
right? They like hair pulling. Beware of their 'toy' collections. Don't tease
them...they will rape you. They love pony boys and girls...I cannot emphasize
this enough! They like it doggie style especially if they are steering. Give
an Aries 100 feet of rope and a 250 dollar flogger, they will follow. As long
as they get to be the one holding the handle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

--Don't tease them. It will only piss them off. Taureans are realists. If
you say that you are horny: Prepare to be fucked. Taureans are heavy indulgers,
though. All forms of indulgence: Sex-drugs-wine-food...whatever their vice
may be: they simply cannot get enough. They do not believe in moderation. They
will fuck until they are sore. Taurus likes to have sex just for the sake of
having sex. What they lack in originality, they make up for in stamina and
endurance. Okay...so they may not be into bondage, okay? But they WILL lick
you until you have at least three orgasms or until you pass out...whichever
comes first. Taurus uses their tongue for EVERYthing...and I mean that. They
love to lick people in whipped cream, alcohol, chocolate, flesh and
candy???Bring it on! Caution: They are looking for a relationship so be kind to them.
They also have a BIG wet thing for scent. Sometimes they don't want a lover
to bathe before sex. Or you may find them shaggin in a garden or a
greenhouse...to smell the dirt: After all, they are Earth signs.


Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Ever heard the saying "Been there. Done that?" chances are it came from a
Gemini. They are always changing...they are the eternal Chameleon. You never
know who you are fucking that day.
They have had sex.
A lot of sex.
Probably because they are in a constant state of flux...always looking for
the new high.
The biggest turn on for a Gemini is: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
Here is just a smattering of places that I know Geminis have fucked: In the
elevator of the moseleum of Forest Lawn Cemetary DURING A FUNERAL. Wine
cellars in nightclubs. Vip Areas of Theatres. Public Parks. The 18th Hole of a
private golf course. In the center of a race track just as the flag was going
up. On various Gym equipment at numerous health spas. A football stadium during
the SuperBowl. A Balcony railing at Mardis Gras in the French Quarter...just
to name a few.
If it's shiny...they will want it. They are big on DRAMA so be prepared for
them to set the mood for sex no matter WHERE you might end up. They WILL take
the initiative. They live off their charm. If they are male and gay they
will still be the greatest fuck your female friend has ever had. Go figure. They
are also Voyeurs but always willing to lend a hand ... or any other part of
anatomy. If they are depressed, suck on their fingers, that always seems to
cheer them up. Their goal is to fuck in the front row of the OSCARS when the
cameras pans on them so that they can wave.


Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -- 69

This is the sign that needs to be cuddled. They may believe that they were
born in the wrong period or century. They DWELL in the
past...Victorian...Roman...Medieval...You name it.
They usually will only fuck at night...come to think of it...they fuck
better at night anyway. Maybe its because they are ruled by the Moon. This is a
sign that is looking for TRUE love...I mean REAL TRUE DEEP LOVE...that
'Romancing The Stone' Frikkin 'Wuthering Heights' kind of love. They probably cry at
the end of any Jane Austen flick. They want to be swept off of their feet.
They really do deserve it, too. They are constantly dumped on by previous past
fucktard ex lovers that think they own them. Sometimes Cancers pick the wrong
guy/girl and get beat up or emotionally hurt. Why? They think its what they
deserve. Which is bullshit. They are wonderful people. They love water sports
(jacuzzis/pools/showers/saunas/bathouses...) They want to be comfortable
while fucking...oh sure the foreplay may have had you bent over a barstool...but
when you get home they want comfy couches, beds, fluffy pillows, anything
soft and fuzzy that is not a pet. Cancerians also have a horrible tendency to
misplace their clothing. Highly Exhibitionistic. They live for Oral...as long
as it tastes good. Karma Sutra honey dust is a good start...mints...ice
cream..anything with sugar...fruit...Don't rush them they smolder. But when you
get started, be ready for a long night. They like to play with ice cubes, too.
Also nipples are a BIG thing for Crabs...they all secretly wish to get their
nipples pierced. Can be submissive highly. Masturbation is where they get
their bonus points at. Be warned: They like 'em YOUNG...so you better be ready
to dress up like an Animation school boy/girl with a whip to keep 'em.


LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)

If you fuck up just once with a Leo...That's IT. Don't be expecting them to
take you back. They are not willing victims, after all, they CHOSE you...you
screwed up? They can UN-Choose you just the same. They live for Menage a
Trois...or Qua...or Cinco....anything in a group is okay as long as they are in
the middle. Leos also like bubble baths. Once you start with a Leo...do not
think you can just turn their emotions on or off like a switch...they demand
satisfaction. NOW. All the stress in the world ends up in the Leo neck...They
need neckrubs...they feel like they have the entire weight of the world on
their head. If its kinky, a Leo has probably done it..You know Madonna's a LEO,
right? She masters the Madonna/Whore/Goddess thing pretty well, huh? I wonder
why? Could it be cause shes a fuckin' LEO? yep. Valmont was probably a Leo.
They probably have the movie at home. Get out your furry gloves and faux mink
whips for this kitten. they love soft floggers and there is a specific spot
on their back right above their tailbone that is heaven to them where if
touched right will actually make them purr...you think I'm bullshitting you? Try
it, I dare ya. Leo likes doing doggystyle that's a given. As long as it feels
good, but leos also like missionary if they are in love with there lover
that is the most intimate position as you two look in each other eyes. Their
underware is always..er..interesting to say the least, if they are wearing any.
They LIVE for boudoir photography. They LOVE to be photographed. If they can
afford a nude or semi nude photo of them..do it now. Leos are born and bred
to be porn stars...even if they act prude about it..they have thought about
it. The best sex partner is a Scorpio leos love them... Rubies jewels usually
are their love. Love to have their hair brushed and played with. You had
better be vocal in bed with them...they want to hear how well they are doing. If a
Leo has chosen YOU as a mate. Just accept it and enjoy the ride. Be prepared
for anything. They have no problem tying you down. They ARE the naughty
school teacher, the pirate captain, the gypsy king and Cleopatra all rolled into


Virgo, This is the MOST confused sign on the planet. This sign is pretty
realistic: No Frills. They love to fuck in showers not because it's kinky...but
because of hygenic reasons...they are big into sanitary issues. Every Virgo I
have ever met has issues...always going back to hygiene. They have to
arrange time in their busy scheduals to have sex...But when a reservation is
made...You had better be there on time, if not a little early. With flowers. And
Virgos want to make their partner happy. That's it. USUALLY. You will always
get a freaky Virgo. Even so, they will TRY to get YOU to cum. And if they
can't make you cum, they will buy someone or something that will.they love to
make their partner happy.
Yes you read that right.
They LIVE to masturbate...whether its you rubbing them, them rubbing
you...them rubbing against your fox fur coat...whatever! they are very sexual
people. usually always horny.!!!Some Virgos WANT to be punished. They will do
naughty things to be caught so they can be punished. They are perfect for Aries
who want to punish SOMEBODY. Anybody! Pretend rape scenes also turn on Virgos.
As long as they know they are secretly safe. If you have ever seen the
Carnival Rape scene in 'Henry & June' this is a Virgo wet dream.


Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)--

Let the games begin! Libra will try anything once. Twice to make sure they
liked it. Three times to be absolutely sure. Do not touch a Libra's head
during oral sex...that may work with an Aries, but not here. Libras LOVE giving
oral - They LOVE getting it , too. But don't feel like they get enough...too
bad, because they sure as hell are getting enough of everything else. They will
buy toys to make YOU use it on THEM. Libras are mental creatures that
believe in living and fulfilling fantasies that they haven't done in real
life...which is rare because they have done almost EVERYTHING. They have no problem
sploshing. To them, sitting in a pie COULD be fun. Porn? Bring it on! Sex,
video AND food? ALRIGHT! They are heavily exhibitionistic by accident. They are
accident prone, they lose bras, underware, condoms....they also accidentally
end up in bed with people. Amazing how THAT works! They like to cross dress.
Both sexes do this quite well, actually. Male Librans are mistaken for women
all the time, and Female Libras are mistaken for men every now and again
too...its because they are under the goddess Aphrodite. They are never just ONE
sex. They can always feel what the opposite sex feels. Which is why they are
rarely clingy, except in rare circumstances when they have been led on, then
watch the manipulative side of the scales swing. They love to role play and
play dress up. They like to dress like hookers or Queen Elizabeth (This is the
men, too!) Who are they really? It depends on what day of the week it is. They
believe that life is too short to date ugly people in more ways than one. So
if you are being shagged by a Libra, there is a good reason. Whether you are
attractive physically, emotionally, mentally or have a fantastic sense of
humor, there is always a reason for a Libra to be fucking you. But they HATE
vulgarity. They despise feeling like they are on a waiting list to get your
attention...worse yet, feeling like they are your groupie. That won't last long,
then. They have already figured out HOW to destroy you...now they are biding
their time to see how long until they throw YOU away...with nothing. But, if
you get past all that, expect long luxurious nights talking and playing
Strip Tarot or Naked Chess. They are the Graceful Slut...but not slutty and yet
accident prone. If you are going to fuck a Libra: Get mirrors. Lots of them.
They have more vanity issues than a Gemini. Nothing is TOO kinky for them.
They are the eternal Courtesan or Concubine. They are sex therapists, porn
writers who knows?


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

Scorpios KNOW how to seduce.
They KNOW what is kinky.
They are HIGHLY manipulative.
They KNOW how to get you to do what THEY want.
They KNOW how to fuck.
And they are making room for modifications.
All they have to do is walk into a room and look at you, and you WILL be on
your back assuming the position.
Anne Rice (During her 'Beauty' phase) wants to be a Scorpio. Leos and
Scorpios make for a fabulous tryst. they are the BEST in bed together..but if the
emotions are not there then that's a different story. Don't dare TRY to make a
Scorpio jealous...they will duct tape you to a chair and make you watch them
fuck your boss..or your sister/brother..or Mother...hell, that's their idea
of a typical normal Thursday night. They love to use gag balls. They always
have carpet burns on their knees and back...this is from their constant
rutting like a wild weasel in heat. They are also very cunning and secretive. They
have a fetish for riding crops and bridles. Most Scorpios have mastered the
Binaca Blowjob for heightened and elongated pleasure. I hope you can go the
distance and can make them come...otherwise gods help ya.
Favorite Song: Master and Servant.
Most female Scorpios have a horrible tendency of being Alcohol
Lesbians...get them drunk enough they will kiss a girl...or two....or three...or
five....but beware their sting!


Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Right out the chute I am going to tell you...THEY LOVE TO BE SHAVED.
True love is being shaved.
Sagittarius love is being shaved by someone they love.
And they LOVE to travel.
They are constantly moving.
They are always packing and going somewhere. They are the outdoorsy type.
Why fuck in a tent when you can be surrounded by Sequoias under a moonlit night
and have sex? Sags will Fuck Everywhere! Most Sags flash body parts and are
closet nudists. They will be the first to register for nude volleyball at the
nudist resort. Don't get me wrong, they have a TON of provocative clothing
at home, but they like to be naked. EVERYWHERE.
They don't know why its against the law to drive naked in a convertable
especially. It just doesn't seem right. They are also bleeding heart
causefighters. They believe that sex is a biological function amongst friends...why fight
it when you can fuck it? A perfect night for them is to :
Talk. Fuck. Talk. Fuck. Go out and look at sea otters..Pick some
flowers...Talk. Fuck. Laugh. Have a drink. Talk. Fuck. Dinner. Fuck. Sleep. Fuck and
Fuck some more!
Male Sags have more fetishes than a female Sag. Foot
fetishes...Lingerie...Female Sags are nature lovers: Do it in the bushes, Sex on the beach, in the
ocean, hell behind the local laundrymat! Kinky? they Love Kinky. Wear that
pirate getup for these girls, they'll be on their knees in a heartbeat. They'll
dress kinky and skip the panties under a short skirt if you're going out on
the town, just to get you going, and I do mean going~ these girls want it all
night long! Whipped cream, body oils and bondage,Licking and sucking,
whatever it takes to keep the party going! . They believe in doing it and doing it
often! fucking before the movie starts..., fucking at the theatre during the
previews and maybe a quick blowjob on the way home.
Sag females love sexing up your whole body! Give them a chance, there won't
be a body part they haven't sucked licked or fucked!You can touch them
anywhere and they got hott cause they're freaky like that! They love leg rubs and
jacuzzis, this is because their thighs are a hot spot...They'll be the ones
holding you up fucking in the closet at your friends housewarming party at two
in the morning. They are built for lot and lots of sex in any way shape or
form, kinky or slow teasing, fast and hard or slow and easy~ if you want to get
your freak on, Sagittarians are the way to go! None of the other signs love
Sex as Much as a Sag!


Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Just as I was writing this one, my Capricorn friend proceeds to call
me...Capricorns are psychic by accident. They have no idea the fates smile on them
from time to time...they just accept it an move on. You can turn on a Cappie
just by breathing on them. They are strong and responsible and have dignity.
But they are too easy to turn on sometimes. And watch out when they are
horny...whoever is in the room better have protection. They are natural screamers
and leave bite marks. they like sex a lot as a favorite past time. Usually
durinig commercial breaks is perfect. Its nothing for a Cappie to fuck seven or
eight times during commercial breaks in an hour long T.V. Show. They like to
do it in the shower...on the furniture...on other peoples furniture...on
other peoples beds...Cars...Tents...boats....yep, if they are in the mood...it
could be at the Presiden't inaugeration...get ready for some nookie!
They love to bite.
They might seem at first sight of them rather cold and insensitive.
But when they warm up?
There is no stopping them.
They like to have the back of their knees licked.
They live for tongue massages.
They think porno is just SILLY...who thought THAT up? But they will watch it
to see if they are missing anything.
Give them dim lighting, a roaring fireplace and a nice bottle of wine...you
might as well reconcile yourself to the fact that you better leave the phones
off for the entire weekend and order food in.
They like to play games...as long as they are in charge.
This is a misunderstood sign...they can be very kinky. As long as it is with
people they love.


Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) --

MY favorite sluts are Aquarius. Why? Because if you don't expect anything in
return, you won't be disappointed. Sounds easy, huh? They will get under
your skin though, so beware. It's easy to be hurt by an Aquarius because they
don't want you to know what they are thinking. If they are silent but you are
in the room with them...chances are they are in heavy thought. But don't
worry, chances are they are thinking about you...and fifteen other things. Water
bearers look at sex like it is a form of recess. They can turn you on by
simply walking in the room. They are the Rain Man of the Zodiac. They give too
much of themselves to others that don't give a shit...then get shy to those that
care about them.
Go figure.
They like kinky. They are easy going. To them, it's a learning experience.
Male Aquarians like to tease and live life in a fantasy world. Female
Aquarians can't masturbate enough...Males never get the chance to masturbate because
everybody wants a piece of them. They like their ankles nibbled. They love
back massages. Their ultimate adventure is the "But we might get caught" game.
They will fuck wherever they run the risk of being seen or found by another
lover. Don't expect faithfulness from these creatures...it's just not in
their DNA. They are open minded to the point that anything shiny will derail
their train of thought. Fucking while standing or leaning is a plus here. Fuck
with their mind and they will follow you anywhere. They enjoy being fucked in
groups of three. Think being Jack Nicholson in bed with the three Witches of
Eastwick? This is a Aquarian dream. They need you to make the first move. Not
to be dominated. But to bring them back to earth now and again for a little
physical funtime. They get lost in the clouds a lot. Don't derail from your
personal pleasure course, however, otherwise you will be just talking to them
all night. which can be stimulating just as well too. Beware! They are the
flirts and teases from HELL! Never take one on a trip to a Home Depot when you
are both horny. This can lead to nasty things.


Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20)

Get out the boots - Stilletto heels - foot creams and panty hose...here come
da fishies!
They are the LEADERS in foot fetish. Masturbation in shoes? Okay. Toe
masturbation...bring it on! They love using their feet.
Suck on a Pisceans toes and SEE what happens!
Fucking in the water and see them squirm.
Pisces have probably done it in a sex swing. Or at least considered how
strong the ceiling beams are on their house to put one in. Pisces men break
furniture when they fuck...things get flung everywhere.
Pisces can be turned on by the wierdest things...Trains...Water
fountains...Jump rope...Whatever. They are the sirens calling you to the beach where you
will end up on your back on a towel with water all over you and not wanting
it to stop.
I have heard it said that its the pisces that will cross the darker kinky
side at least once...just to say "YEP. did that. Not that great" OR "What do
you MEAN you never......" SAM from sex and the city should be a Pisces. These
babes are perfectionists. You will have a perfect orgasm with them...so will
they..in fact, they strive for perfection in everything they do...it's all in
th details for them. There will not be ONE hair out of place with a Pisces.
All of their fetish jewlery will match a specific whip or dress or shoes.
EVERYTHING MUST MATCH! I have one Pisces friend that has nipple tassles that
match for every pair of underware and whip that she owns! NO SHIT! You might
think they are shy! HA! They are just planning something. I had a Pisces
Friend (Same Pisces friend with the matching tassles by the way) who was at a
nudist beach in Brazil (You will always find a Pisces at a beach...its inbred
in them) A middle aged man in his early 50's or so came up to her and
immediately saw her body and BABING! got a hard on!
Not feeling shocked in any way, shape or form, she walked right up to him
and put her hand on his cock for a moment , then with her same hand took her
sunglasses off , looked him RIGHT in the eye and said "DAHLING, your erection
is SUPERB!" and she walked off never to see him again.
You never can tell what the hell a Pisces will do, but I guarantee that it
will be SUPERB!
SECRET: Pisces women fall for a man that can wear a high heel and garter.
And look good.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 24th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
Hahah my GF is a Taurus and I'm a Cancer. This is pretty funny... Hmm she is 6 years younger then me!

The not bathe before sex thing.. Her hottest fantasy is for me to come home from working in the garage and sex her up all dirty and greasy. Yum!
Jan. 26th, 2007 02:44 am (UTC)
hehe...I am a Taurus and I am not that into dirtiness...now sex outside in the dirt or something...would be hot...but...hehe anyway
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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