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Feeling rather maudlin...

Disclaimer: This entry is more freestyle and could be compared to a flow of consciousness...for those who do not know me well may see this post as me complaining...but in actuality it is more observational

The only other feeling I could use to describe my current state of mind and emotions is melancholy. It isn't one thing really...it is a collection of issues and things going on in my life right now. And hell...maybe it's because I'm on my period, who knows?

Wouldn't it be funny if someone started a journal and started off every entry..."Dear Diary..." and as time begins to drift and they are in this constant state of melancholy or sadness...dare I say...depression? And as her mind starts to slowly spin out of control and she begins to lose a sense of space and reality her entries begin to read something like, "Dear...no wait...you aren't so dear are you? ..." well...let's just say that you can see as each daily entry passes a bit of insanity can be seen and sensed in her writing...just thought it would be funny. Not in a laugh out loud, oh my god this is too much kind of way...but more...funny irony...sadness...

As I sit here and try to dissect my twisted emotions...I realize and reaffirm that overall, I am a happy person. I am not one who revels in pain, misery, or sadness. To be honest, I don't handle it well...the way I handle sadness is comparable to how I handle failure. I have identified quite a few reasons for my current state of misery...

1. I miss ronalum so much it hurts and I haven't quite forgiven myself for the last verbal conversation he and I had.
2. I miss the sense of balance my life used to have.
3. I miss simplicity.
4. I miss knowing what I wanted.
5. I miss having answers to all my problems.

There's more that is much more personal and deeper to me that I will not mention in a public post...but those items are the things I miss and desire the most. My current answer for my problems is to run. Run far and just for a little while...

I know it is cowardly, but I feel so...I don't even know how to describe it. I'm torn.

I do have a better peace of mind sometimes when I speak with caballero...it has a calming effect on me, but it is short lived.

Sometimes I truly hate my mind. I hate the way I think, the way ideas and thoughts come together...my imagination is too over-active. I have too many scenarios...too many "what-ifs"...too many maybes...just too much. I can't relax. I haven't been sleeping well...my mind just keeps going...I can't shut it off.

Lack of sleep + sadness = ?

It's odd...you would think with lack of sleep my mind would slow down and yet it seems to run faster. I am fraught with doubt...that's what is really killing me. Doubt.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Mar. 22nd, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC)
Although running on the surface sounds cowardly, it's really not. Getting away to get perspective is always a good thing IMO. I know that's the only reason why I live in Boston and not where I was raised in NYC. I needed to get away, get perspective on my own life without the influence from other voices. I stayed in Boston because I just found a new life here that I enjoyed more than living in NYC but that's a whole other story.

Either way, I don't think it's a cowardly move to run. It's only cowardly if your running to avoid something else. It's also nice to talk to someone who maybe isn't involved, an outside 3rd party that can look at you objectively and give objective advice. I sometimes forget that.

Think on the bright side. I went through a real bad bout of depression the last few months but I'm starting to come out of it somewhat, the weather is getting nicer, the birds are starting to come out, things are getting better.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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