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Oblivious joy

I'm not sure why, but more recently I've been obliviously happy...this feeling strikes me the deepest whilst dancing...not just WCS...but also ballet, blues, balboa, contemporary...I'm in my own little world. This world is warm, kind, peaceful, and transparent. When I'm in the deeper state of oblivion nothing else matters just that moment in time. I feel free...I'm me...even as I write this I feel overwhelmingly calm and serene. To be honest, I'm in awe...never in my life have I felt this way. Though appreciative, my OCD of needing to understand everything brings along a strange, yet calm layer of confusion. Why now? What is this? How did it come to be? It's funny I can be such an obnoxious philosopher. Part of me scoffs and wonders why I can't just accept the joy. The other part of me knowingly understands my ridiculous personality. Trust me...I annoy myself sometimes.

Growing up, I would lose myself in fantasy, my daydreams seeking...desperately for a release...a release from the parental restrictions...the family drama the inability to express myself. In my fantasies, I was empowered...I was able to speak my mind, I was free to be myself. I am only now really beginning to appreciate the freedom of being who I want to be...who I choose to be. No more am I tied to expectations of what I "should" be...and when I dance...what better way to express who I am through my movement? Feeling this freedom is a high...I just want it more...more ways to express yourself...more ways to get closer to who I truly am...more ways to learn...and the scariest part? A strong desire to share myself with others. Let the barrier I erected long ago fall away...

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April 2011
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