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I've been thinking...

I know I told many of you that I was going to go to bed...and I apologize...I did try to...however, there is something that was weighing on my mind and I decided to just get it out now. There are a select few people who know the whole situation of my love life right now, a very select few, to count, 4. 2 people who are lj users, 1 of which I am friends with in IRL and 2 other people who are just friends. I have made the decision that any thing that involves what I do or any problems I may have with my significant other will only be shared with 1 individual. And I am sure drbrain is happy to know that it won't be him. I never told any of the people the personal things to weigh them down with my problems, I told them because I trusted them enough to feel that they would give me sound advice.

Perhaps I am not handling my situation well...however I decided that I will only tell one person because out of the four only one has not been judgmental. I do not tell my friends things so they can judge me...I tell them hoping they will support me and ask something like, "Are you happy with that decision?" and if I say "yes" then I would appreciate it if they would just support me and be a friend. However...it isn't going that way. Some may say this is an excuse on the things I am doing, i.e. having fun, talking to other guys...but you know what...I see now that I honestly don't give a flying fuck if you think it is wrong. I am doing what I can to make my life happy so I am not moping around being depressed.

I don't want to say that people who have had no boyfriends/girlfriends or few boyfriends/girlfriends know nothing, they obviously know something...but the amount of people that I have been with either long term or sexually far exceeds the total amount of people that my friends have been with. I am not saying that I am an expert...sometimes I just need to talk to someone and know that they are listening...oh...and scratch that...5 people know 3 lj users. And there will be 2 people who will know anything...firepyke and another friend who is not an lj user.

I am not a bad person, and that is how a select few have made me feel after talking to them tonight. Like I said, they may think I am a wimp or whatever, but I am doing what I have to do, because in the end it is about what will make me happy. Not to say that I should trample on another's feelings...but what does one do when the other person is trampling on hers? I have tried my hardest to reconcile my situation for the past three months...there is only so much I can do...so much I can give...how much longer shall I put my life on hold?

I have decided that my life will no longer be on hold even though the situation is not rectified. Maybe some may see that as wrong, and sometimes life isn't always going to be about making the right choices, but the choices that are made are made to help one survive for oneself. I do what I do to help my heart...and you know...you might see that as wrong...and I love you dearly and I would do anything for you...but...fuck you for hurting my feelings

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April 2011
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