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Oh to be me...

Well...needless to say the past 4 days of my young life have been quite...interesting. Let's see...in chronological order...

Thursday: I left David at Greenlake to walk home because he pissed me off...haha...I know...not very nice...but who knows what I would have done if I stayed? I thought it would be best if I just walked away before I back-slapped him. For me that is pretty bad to even think about as I am not violent by nature

My good news for that day...I spoke with Kalen for a brief moment...I think he is starting to feel bad...that will make sense later...

Friday: Didn't do too much...did the things I said I would do...but outside of that I didn't really do much. Although I was pretty damn irritated...it took me 2 hours to get home...ooooh I was sooo mad...

Saturday: I didn't clean the house... *looks ashamed* I should have...bad...bad me... instead I went out and bought a lot of white corn. Okay, I know that sounds weird, but there is this place called "Carpinito Bros" near my house and it is great! It was my first time there, but I am going to go there shopping for my produce from now on! :) My mom wanted $5 worth of corn...and they were selling white corn (which I love) 4/$1 so I bought only $4 worth I got tired of looking at it and schucking it. I proceeded to buy 6 grapefruits and a pint of blueberries...mmm...blueberries...

Then I went and changed my phone...not my phone number, but my phone. I changed it back to my wonderful silver Samsung...my last phone made me mad! :)

I ended up going to Red Robin for dinner. Got potato soup to go...mmm...it was really delicious but I had trouble finishing it :( Then of course...I went dancing.

Decided to give David a call...I was a little worried. I thought that his house was like 6 miles from the lake...which means he wouldn't have gotten home until...oh I don't know...12AM? I was wrong, he only lives 2 mi or so from the lake so then I didn't feel so bad :)

Kalen called me around 11:54PM, didn't hear because of the music...I was hesitant to call him back, because I didn't understand why he was calling me so late. I called him back around 12:15AM...told him that I was going to go to bed in 10-15 minutes but if he didn't get a chance to then to just call me sometime on Sunday. He never called back on Saturday.

Sunday: Didn't wake up in time to go to the AbXpress class...didn't work out at all that day. Kalen called me and woke me up around 10:45AM...wanted to know my SSN because we have a family plan together and he was going to change the plan and it was under my name. I gave him that and asked him "Is that what you called me for last night?" and he said, "No, of course not, I will call you back later when I have more time though" so I said, "Okay".

Let's see...I made chocolate cupcakes and while I was doing that Kalen called me again...

Me: Hey
Him: Hey
Me: So...how are you doing?
Him: Good...what have you been up to?
(okay...he just talked to me on Thursday)
Me: Tired...yourself?
Him: Okay...I moved into my house
Me: Oh? I am so happy for you (I really am...I love talking to him)
Him: Yup...I just finished changing the locks on my house and I am going to fix my laundry machine, toilet...(he named some other stuff he was going to do, but I don't remember)
Me: Oh okay.
Him: Yah...I was just calling you because I am taking a break right now
(He hasn't done that in so long...)
Me: All right. Did you want to talk about my letter?
Him: Not right now, I have been really stressed out this week with moving into my new place and work
Me: Okay, that's fine. Can I at least have your thought on my letter?
Him: ...(pause)...It was discouraging
Me: ...(pause)...Discouraging?
Him: Yes...I am going to get back to work though...talk to ya later
Me: okay...bye sweetheart...
Him: bye...

(and he didn't change the plan... :) Good sign)
Then I went to the BBQ.

My day was pretty uneventful from that point on...I came home...made something for dinner, did laundry...played Spades...then he called me again around 10:45PM...weird how he is calling me so much hmm? I think my letter had a positive impact...lol...

Me: (surprised) Hello?
Him: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: nothing much...(typing on the computer)
Him: How was your day?
Me: It was okay...(I gave him a run-down on my day) how about you?
Him: (gave me a run-down on his day)
Me: are you sick? You sound really stuffy
Him: Hay fever...
Me: Are you laying down? (I always switch to "Mother mode" when he isn't feeling well, once I drove over to his work to take him home-made chicken soup when he had a cold)

We talked a little more...just about nothing really...then we got off the phone...interesting hmm?? Oh...thought I would put my nice letter here too...maybe you can tell me what you think of it? Some people thought it was harsh and ambiguous...another friend thought it was great! lol...to me...I was just telling him how it was...

August 14, 2002: Wednesday

Dear Kalen,

I would like to start off by saying that there is a possibility that I am pregnant. And yes, I am still on the pill. However, my period is currently a week overdue, I have also taken a home pregnancy test and it came out positive. I scheduled an appointment with a doctor on August 20 and I will let you know the results.

Moving on, all I wanted was 30 minutes of your time, which is nothing compared to the time you spent fucking around at Dave's house and lying to me. I decided to push forth and just say it in a letter as my pregnancy affects my feelings towards you.

I have been so damn patient with you, for the past two months you have promised to make the time to talk to me and you have just pushed me off. Well I am fucking sick of it and I am not putting up with it anymore. You won't even listen to me and if you would, all this bullshit would not have escalated to what it is now. You lying to me on Sunday was the last straw. And here is what I wanted to tell you:

I don't understand how it went from, "Natalie, let's run away and get married and then get remarried a year later and let everyone think that it is our first marriage" (which I found to be sweet and romantic) to "Fuck You Natalie". Especially after I have shown you that I am being understanding of your work schedule and I have been patient for you to get over your unreasonable anger towards me. I understand why you were upset about the letter, but for it to take 2 months? That is ridiculous and petty on your part. Yes, I did move on with my life, yes I am dating other men. However, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, because I know that you do love me (though it is questionable with the way you have been treating me), as you know that I love you.

I did a lot of self-reflecting on myself and us in the past 2.5 months and have realized that I was not as understanding or patient with your situation as I should have been. However, I have been trying to show you that I have changed. I was willing to still be with you, and wait for you as you had asked me to for over a month from April-May. Do you remember that? I was complaining about how we don't spend enough time together and you looked at me and said, "Baby, please be patient with me, when the time comes I promise we will spend as much time together as possible" and I said, "Fine". I have realized that I am absolutely willing to do that for you. Even if I don't see you for a week, or two, or even a month, as long as we had that understanding and some sort of verbal contact it would be okay. No, you wouldn't have to call me every day, every other day or every two days would have sufficed. I understand that you are tired when you get home and you don't feel like calling someone, or whatever the fuck your problem is now. However, I would also expect for you in turn to be a REAL MAN and be able to see that I am sacrificing something just as you are.

I would have expected that when you had any time (of course after you felt you had enough time for yourself, doing things you like, such as watching Wrestling and fishing and such) that you would make time for me and do something to show your appreciation. And I don't mean by fucking my brains out, but just being with me. You would have done that because you realized how lucky you are to have someone as understanding as me. You wouldn't even have had to take me anywhere, just hold me or hang out with me. Do not get me wrong, this would have been a two way street, to show my appreciation for you I would have done little things for you to show you that you are special to me. I would have shown you by cleaning your house once in awhile, making you surprise dinners', making you lunches to take to work, or making you surprise breakfasts' if you had to work on a weekend.

And here is why I don't understand your crap about, "I have been too busy to have a relationship" You what? That is a bunch of bullshit. The majority of the guys you work with are married. Obviously, they have the same job as you. And I am sure they had these jobs before they ever got married and they were able to balance the two. So your crap about "I have been too busy" is just a cop out on your part. Because you know what? That is just life Kalen. It is not going to get any less busy. That is all part of being an adult, and being a man is dealing with your problems and not pushing them aside because by pushing the problems away, doesn't make it any better, it only makes the problems worse.

I am telling you right now, I would have been one incredible girlfriend for you, but you already knew that.



Signing off with "Sincerely" is very out of character for me...I usually sign off as "Love Always yours"

The letter was written in a way where I wouldn't stroke his ego...but at the same time I don't want him to think he doesn't have a chance. :)

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